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Class of 2015 More Diverse than Humanly Possible (By Morton Shapiro)

April 6, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

In the never-ending quest for more diversity, Northwestern has finally won. Pop open the Champaign, sake, unfiltered water—whatever your culture does. It’s time to fucking celebrate. Listen to this class breakdown and try not to be over-fucking-whelmed by the diversity rainbow. 30 percent Native American, 25 percent African American, 15 percent Asian, 10 percent from countries that haven’t even formed yet. … Let me pause to give you a second to clean off whatever you just jizzed onto your screen…

Point-Counterpoint: Should the Debate Team Celebrate Their Victory with a Party?

April 5, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

The Debate Team Deserves a Party! By Clare Roth OH HELL YES we gon’ party. (Like it’s our birthdays, gonna sip Barcardi like it’s our—wait, hold up those are the lyrics right? Yes? No? That shit was my jam back at the 7th grade parties) As you will see by the end of this debate, the answer is clear that we, the winning Northwestern Debate Team, should have a party. I’ll break it down for you. We never have anything

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Shy Student Almost Raises His Hand

April 5, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A shy student moved his hand in an upward motion—while his elbow bent almost to the point where it was even with his hand—in an apparent effort to answer a question. As the 357 political science teacher started to make eye contact with the student at 3:45 p.m., the shy guy quickly lowered his hand. “I really thought he was going to do it,” said classmate Laura Berg. “I wonder what his voice sounds like.” The student, whose

US to arm Libyans with Super Soakers

April 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“Not only can we have our revenge against the tyrannic rule. Also, my son Khaled can now have the best backyard barbecue birthday party ever.”

Bailey: “I was on a drug, it’s called J. Michael Bailey”

March 9, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Controversial NU psychology professor J. Michael Bailey was under attack again today for his approval of a live sex demonstration at an after class event. Critics in and out of the psychology world say Bailey crossed an ethical line, one that should result in punishment for him and Northwestern University. “I was on a drug,” Bailey told Flipside investigators, “it’s called J. Michael Bailey. It’s not available because if you try it once, you’ll have an orgasm three

ASG Changes Something or Other; NU Students Continue to Not Give a Shit

March 4, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

Wednesday, ASG President Claire Lew announced that they were changing something about something they do once more, sending waves of apathy through Northwestern. “Wait, exactly what again does ASG do?” said sophomore Mark Raynor, in response to the complete overhaul or structural reform or whatever the hell they decided to make different. Lew says this will completely revitalize/rejuvenate/switch how the organization will handle/delegate/petition students/faculty/Evanston citizens. “Northwestern blah blah blah connection blah blah relationship blah blah blah,” she said in a

[Classifieds] Northwestern University Psychology Department

March 4, 2011 Brian Lee Leave a comment

— HELP WANTED — Ladies needed for educational demonstration of toy drills. Required to work naked in a public setting. Compensation will include appropriate payment and a souvenir toy. Contact: bailey@northwestern.edu and Human sexuality psychologist needed for Psychology department. Required to conduct research in Evanston, IL and teach Psychology 337. Responsible applicants only.

Wheelbarrow Poised to Win Game of Monopoly

March 4, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue. “I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700

Read more Articles, Business, Entertainment, No. 53, Sports

Sex strike on Politicians in Belgium. Senators turn to mistresses.

March 4, 2011 Jay Calhoun One comment

BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached. At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.

Does This Coat Look Good on Me?

March 4, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

I was walking down the street this afternoon when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a puddle of water. Something seemed a little off– My coat. Even though it was on. As in I was wearing it, and it was not off. But it seemed off. Does it look bad on me? It’s a plaid coat. I’m told plaid is in style, and that it brings out my hazel eyes. Is this true? It has a poofy fur