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Construction Begins To Convert Tech Into Ski Slope

January 27, 2011 Michael Davis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – University president Morton Schapiro has revealed plans to build a gigantic indoor ski slope on the property currently occupied by the engineering school building. Known to students as “Tech,” the multi-billion-dollar facilities that make up the complex will be replaced by a snowy mountain resort for the students’ leisure. According to Schapiro, landscaping crews will make room for the winter-themed amusement park by relocating the Robert R. McCormick School for Engineering, the Ford Design Center, and the Northwestern

Brothel Rule to Have Little Effect on Actual Brothels

January 27, 2011 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

Senior Brothel Patron Rob Von Dud II In a recent legal brouhaha, the City of Evanston decided to begin enforcing an arcane “brothel law,” with Northwestern declining to contest the law and instead just taking it without complaint. The students, on the other hand, are far from satisfied, and have decided not to take it lying down. The law, which makes it illegal for more than three unrelated people to live together, will significantly increase rates as students race to

Three Off-Campus Residents Have Fourth Friend Who is Always Sleeping Over

January 26, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

“Sometimes it seems like he sleeps over every day.”

Jay Cutler Now an Aries, Doomed to Lose to Packers

January 18, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

CHICAGO – The Chicago Bears organization announced Tuesday that quarterback Jay Cutler would never again defeat the Green Bay Packers due to the realignment of the zodiac. According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans. “Since we finally realized that the zodiac

Wikipedia, A Tribute

January 18, 2011 Brian Lee

The writers of The Flipside have planned to write an article commemorating the tenth anniversary of the creation of Wikipedia. However, due to approaching midterms and general laziness, we have decided to just copy and paste the Wikipedia entry on Wikipedia instead. Happy tenth, Wikipedia! Wikipedia ( /ˌwɪkɪˈpiːdi.ə/ or /ˌwɪkiˈpiːdi.ə/ WIK-i-PEE-dee-ə) is a free, web-based, collaborative, multilingual encyclopedia project supported by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. Its 17 million articles (over 3.5 million in English) have been written collaboratively by volunteers

Northwestern Accepts all 30,000 Applicants, Awards No Aid to Increase Budget

January 17, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – President Morton Schapiro announced Wednesday that the Admissions Office will not be printing out any rejection letters this year. Schapiro stated that the purpose of this decision was to “allow the benefits of Northwestern to reach as many students as possible.” His eyes then shiftily darted left-to-right several times, and numerous audience members swore that Schapiro said “Cha-ching!” Schapiro’s remarks were made in a joint press conference with University Director of Financial Aid, Carolyn Lindley. Lindley stated that

Class of 2014 Expelled to Make Room for Class of 2015

January 17, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

By no means can a Class of 2016 be allowed to apply, or we’re all fucked.

School For Illiterate Bans ‘Huck Finn’ Over Misread Title

January 12, 2011 Michael Davis Leave a comment

NASHVILLE – Located just outside the Tennessee capitol, the school board of the Lakewood Children’s Institute reached a decision this Wednesday to ban all copies of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn from its premises. The administration found itself in this situation due to a long list of complaints from teachers and parents claiming that students frequently misread the book’s title and pronounced “the F-bomb” instead. Considering that Lakewood Children’s Institute teaches exclusively illiterate and dyslexic children, evidently this happened quite

NUIT strives for an even more irritating CAESAR

January 12, 2011 Noah Rawitz Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After the release of the Inception last July, the hit film has become America’s most notorious mindfuck. Up until that point, Northwestern’s class-selecting service, CAESAR, held that title. NUIT admitted its defeat after the film hit the box office this summer. However, NUIT is not to be outdone. According to Todd Robertson, NUIT’s head technician, next year’s edition of CAESAR will not only be equally as confusing as Nolan’s film, but it will also make researching and registering for classes

Read more Articles, Entertainment, Local, No. 47

Lawyer Watches Future Trophy Wife Take Her First Steps

January 12, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

CHICAGO – At a special gathering reserved for close friends and family, Chicagoland fixture Jakob Steinberg (of high-powered law firm Steinberg, Steinberg, and Bergstein) was blessed with the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch his future trophy wife take her first steps. 10-month-old Sophie Czerwinska, the young lady in question, was reportedly enamored with the 46-year-old lawyer, who has been close friends with her father Victor since grade school and has been having an affair with Victor’s wife Elaine for the past