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Chilean Miners Surprised to See Humans Have Yet to Evolve

October 20, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

COPIAPO, CHILE—Chilean miners were taken aback last Tuesday when they emerged from the mine to a world almost identical to the one they had left. “To be honest, we were imagining a Planet of the Apes scenario. At the very least, we assumed people would have evolved past the point of chinstrap facial hair,” Jose Rodriguez, the second miner to emerge, said. The miners listed the economic crisis, the Gulf Coast oil remnants, and world hunger as problems they couldn’t

Howard Dean Disappoints Debate Crowd With Lack Of Funny Noises

October 20, 2010 Alex Hampl Leave a comment

In front of a full Pick-Staiger auditorium last Wednesday, Howard Dean disappointed many supporters by not making any funny noises during his debate with former senator Rick Santorum. Dean’s constituency was devastated.

GBFF Found Cheatinnnn

October 20, 2010 Chase Sund Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Twelve girls were horrified last Thursday to discover that Lazarus, their “GBFF” (or “gay best friend forever”), was not only on BFF status with all of them but is also not even gay. “That tramp is bisexual,” exclaimed girl #4. “I saw him hooking up with some chick at PIKEtoberfest… fucking skank.” Lazarus is being accused of not only swearing BFF allegiance via text to each of these ladies, but also spoiling them to numerous Facebook wall posts and Evanston

Stefan Demos: A Biography

October 20, 2010 Flippy One comment

EVANSTON—As your resident sports-illiterate — or perhaps, more lovingly, the new “area sports girlfriend” — I find that the task has fallen on me to ask you all a question that has been weighing heavily on my mind due to recent articles in both our wonderful Flipside and other, lesser Northwestern newspapers alike: who the hell is Demos? His name, along with a rather unflattering action shot (seriously, why are all sports photos so unflattering?), appeared in the headline of

SEED Lets Clothes Air-Dry; Global Warming Solved

October 20, 2010 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON—SEED, or Students for Ecological and Environmental Development, ended the problem of global warming Sunday, Oct. 10, by hanging up the laundry outside Norris University Center. “This was a very unexpected result!” exclaimed SEED member Ann Temnoriv. “I think it had something to do with the fact that the clothes were hung up in the shape of a giant 350.” Dropping temperatures across the northern United States and Canada confirmed SEED’s suspicion. In the last week alone, many Northwestern students

T.I. Lyrics Talk Suicidal Man Down From Roof

October 20, 2010 Colton Maddox Leave a comment

ATLANTA—Rapper T.I. helped coax a suicidal man down from a hotel roof in midtown Atlanta on Wednesday, the Associated Press reported. One correspondent on the scene was able to listen to the conversation that took place between the hip-hop star and the would-be jumper. The following is a transcript of the exchange: T.I.: What up? What’s haapnin’??? Man: Not much. Ummmm…I’m standing on the ledge of a roof. I’m gonna jump and kill myself. T.I.: Why you wanna go and

Bro Accidentally Correct in Calling Rainbow Week “Totally Gay”

October 12, 2010 Clare Roth One comment

EVANSTON—In an unwitting display of complete factual accuracy, a McCormick senior proclaimed that Rainbow Week was “gay” on Friday. Chad Block, a mid-forward on the Ultimate Frisbee team, was examining a Norris bulletin board when he made his truthful declaration. “Man, how gay is that shit?” he said to Joe “Broseph” Leibowitz, a senior rugby hooker. Leibowitz was shocked. He commented that this is one of the first times he’s seen Block use vocabulary correctly. “He’s not so good with

A New Way for Girls to “Fake It”

October 12, 2010 Flippy One comment

EVANSTON—In high school, a hickey was a mark of shame to be covered up discreetly with pounds of makeup or a well-placed scarf. In college, many young women are finding that the only way to get a guy is if he thinks you already have gotten plenty beforehand. This shift has been a phenomenon which sociologists and playboy photographers alike have been busy investigating in great depth. “Nobody wants to be a girl’s first anymore,” said senior A.J. Thomson. “That

Marathon Junkie ODs On “Runner’s High”

October 12, 2010 Flippy Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Celebrations at Sunday’s Bank of America Chicago Marathon came to a crashing halt when one of the participants suffered from a runner’s high overdose. Thomas Peters, 36, collapsed when his muscles ceased to function just before the twentieth mile marker. He was promptly carted off to Rush Medical Center, where he was treated and is currently in stable condition. Peters, a self-proclaimed “marathon junkie,” has run in over 300 marathons during his lifetime, including 40 races in the last twelve

Professors Fail to Satisfy Freshmen; Midterm Exams Deemed Premature

October 12, 2010 Tyler Dillon Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Hundreds of freshmen students have voiced complaints against the inadequate time professors spend on preparations for midterm examinations. Virgins to the quarter system, their groans reached a climax on Tuesday, when French professor Jim Levenstein announced that students would begin their oral exams two weeks ahead of schedule. “It’s not fair,” moaned freshman Nadia Horner, a student of Professor Levenstein. “just as I’m totally getting into the class and learning some new things, he tells us we have to perform