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Category Archives: Politics

Obama-Bloomberg Friendship on the Rocks after Tepid Endorsement

November 5, 2012 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY — New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg publically endorsed President Obama last Thursday, saying the effects of Hurricane Sandy reshaped his thinking of the presidential campaign. While many Democrats welcomed the New York mayor’s support, Obama was less than enthusiastic about the statement. The implication that Bloomberg was previously unsure of his vote, or even possibly considering to vote for the Romney/Ryan ticket, definitely shook their friendship to its very core. An inside source told The Flipside, “Barack

Biden Accidentally Declares War on Iran

November 5, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden may have instigated World War III last night during a last-minute campaign stop at Georgetown University. The gaffe-prone politician was delivering a short speech encouraging students to vote when he accidentally declared war on Iran. “We’re still not entirely sure what happened,” White House aide Michael Howard explained. “One minute he’s reading from a prepared statement about the Founding Fathers and the next he’s assembling the Joint Chiefs of Staff to authorize a pre-emptive

The Flipside’s First Quadrennial Editorial Board Presidential Endorsement

November 4, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

After considering all probable consequences on ourselves, on the United States, on the whole world, and most importantly, on The Northwestern Flipside, we are proud to endorse Governor Mitt Romney and Vice President Joe Biden for president and vice president in the 2012 election.

Obama Implores Americans to Temporarily Halt New Jersey Jokes

November 4, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

HOBOKEN, NJ — This week, after Hurricane Sandy flattened the Jersey Shore, President Obama kindly requested that Americans stop making “Jersey” jokes for at least a week. “Out of respect for our fellow citizens in this time of crisis, I implore you all to stop making fun of New Jersey. Stop making fun of their terrible and confusing highway system. Stop making fun of the fact that the only thing in Newark that’s growing is the crime rate. Stop making

Romney Appeals to Undecided NU Voters by Promising to Open Frontera Fresco Before the Election

November 3, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON — With only days remaining until the election, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney stood outside Norris University Center and promised Northwestern students he would ensure Frontera Fresco opened before Election Day. “I’m a businessman,” Romney said. “I know how create jobs in this country and I’ll do it here, with Frontera Fresco.” “Construction jobs,” he added. “Do those count as manufacturing?” Explaining the delays in construction, Sodexo claimed they had not realized students would be returning to school as early

Boca Raton Residents Play Debate Drinking Game with Mylanta

October 24, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

BOCA RATON, FL — Residents of Century Village, a Boca Raton retirement community, gathered to watch the third and final presidential debate Monday night while they played a drinking game with Mylanta, an over the counter treatment for acid reflux. Third floor resident Seymo Best Way To Get Your Ex Back Through Texting ur Cohen organized the drinking game as a good way to have fun and reduce flatulence at the same time. “Monday nights are usually a big night

Debate Proves Candidates Will Argue About Seriously Anything

October 22, 2012 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

BOCA RATON, FL — At the third presidential debate at Lynn University, where the median student age is 75 years old, undecided voters finally had the opportunity to see just how far Governor Romney and President Obama will go to criticize each other. The two candidates were in top form as they displayed their ability to dispute literally anything. Romney and Obama sparred on topics such as the war in Afghanistan, relations with China, and the proper pronunciation of ‘tomato’,

Area Man Telling You How You’re a Propaganda-Spewing Sheep

October 22, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

FACEBOOK –- Following your decision to watch a Presidential debate and post a Facebook status in support of your preferred candidate, area man William Burton, whom sources indicate you dimly remember from your days in summer camp, has already left three lengthy comments on your original post detailing exactly how and why you are a propaganda-spewing shill for an illegitimate political movement. Burton began his tirade by telling you how “disappointed” he was to see you supporting a rival politician

Romney and Obama Persist in Quest to Claim White Undecided Voter

October 17, 2012 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are no closer today than they were yesterday in catching the elusive Great White Undecided Voter. After releasing their nets and (de)baiting their fishing lines during Tuesday’s town hall meeting, neither candidate was able to harpoon their quarry and the polls have stayed static. Attention has been brought specifically to the White Undecided Voter because the other voters have already been hunted to extinction. According to marine-biologist-turned-political-pundit Richard Jackson, “President Obama has

Professor Proposes Solution to Lengthy, Off-Topic Presidential Debates

October 17, 2012 Min Lee Leave a comment

ITHACA, NY – The moderators of the presidential debates have tried to keep the debates concise and focused to no avail. The candidates ramble, go off topic, and make personal attacks on each other. Despite changes in debate format, stricter moderators, and rules known beforehand and agreed to by both campaigns, the problem persists. Peter Paddock, an esteemed psychology professor at Cornell University, has an answer: water guns. He explains, “Say Mitt Romney was not talking about the issue being