Why CTECs Need An “Abysmal Dogshit” Option
Seven paragraphs of a scorned freshman’s unhinged ramblings on their “satan-spawn” Gen Chem Professor can be replaced with two simple words that convey the same thoughts.
Tag Archives: Homeless
Kellogg Dickwad Explains Labor Market to Homeless Man Outside CVS
“You see, if you draw this line here, and this line here, and then you move the point of intersection…” Rossi said, explaining why the man’s situation was a predictable result of the supply and demand graphs for labor.
Naked Homeless Man Mistaken for Public Commentary
“The guy was just laying down on the hot sidewalk, listless and devoid of any mental thought, but, his performance art really makes me think how fucked up our nation really is.”
Area Homeless Man Dons Dance Marathon Bib, Earns Enough to Move off Street
In the past three days people have put over $2000 in his cup, shouting words of encouragement such as “Dance for the kids!” and “Do it for Joseph!”
[Nostalgia Issue] Where Are They Now: The Boxcar Children
Few children today have not been touched by Gertrude Chandler Warner’s classic book series The Boxcar Children, which captures all the charm and adventure of being a parentless underage destitute living in an abandoned train car. Now, these timeless stories are being updated for a new generation with the release of the series The Boxcar Adults: Just Regular Homeless People. Penned by nameless ghostwriters, these books attempt to sustain the realism of the original series and preserve its relevance, by
“Homeless Joe” Definitely Going To Rush
EVANSTON — Northwestern fraternities have recently begun their weekly tradition of Sunday night dinners, and hundreds of freshman have attended to get free food and flirt with frat brothers. The race for bids has begun, and one freshman has emerged as the top recruit. Nicknamed “Homeless Joe,” this enterprising, genial, and most of all hungry freshman has been sighted at nearly every single frat and dinner. Reports say Joe usually arrives at the frats alone, but he does bring his
[Graduation Issue] Senior Turns in Thesis Statement
“I’m so good at thesises,” said Weinberg Senior Kevin Pandolph. “But I hate writing the rest of the paper. I can’t believe you can get honors just for writing a thesis!”
Northwestern to Build $200,000,000 Homeless Shelter for Bienen Students
Alcoholic Turns Down Free Natty Light
EVANSTON—In a shocking move last Thursday morning, Joe “No Liver” Guggenheim, a local convenience store night-shift manager and alcoholic, turned down an offer of a free case of Natty Light. The offer came when the brothers of Tappa Tappa Keg realized that they bought more beer than they could fit in their car. The fraternity was stocking up for a big weekend bash to celebrate the coming of a full moon. Upon seeing Mr. Guggenheim drunkenly stumbling down the street