Trump Now Has Complete Set of Happy Meal Toys
“I got them all, folks,” the actual president said to raucous cheers from his unpaid Secret Service guards.
Tag Archives: Trump
Op-Ed: Netflix Could Shoot Someone on Fifth Avenue and I’d Still Pay for Their Service
Look—I’m not usually in favor of violence. However, I’ve been appalled by media attacks on Netflix over their new pricing plan. I have a simple message for my fellow Netflix customers who are considering defecting: if Netflix CEO Reed Hastings were to shoot someone in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue, I would have no qualms about continuing my subscription. The reason is simple: consider the alternatives. I’m not saying Netflix is perfect, but it’s sure better than Hulu. Is it
New Executive Order Is Just Book of Leviticus
At press time, President Trump had already cancelled the executive order after realizing that it would have banned slander, lying, showing partiality to the rich, and of course, letting your hair become unkempt.
Jeff Sessions Recalled to Santa’s Workshop Unexpectedly Early
In a surprise move, the White House announced Wednesday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had resigned to return to his seasonal gig at Santa’s workshop. In a statement read by Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the administration called Session’s departure “regrettable but necessary.” The statement lamented that the Christmas season is starting “earlier and earlier…like, its not even Thanksgiving but CVS is already playing Michael Bublé tracks on repeat.” Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein spoke Thursday about the personal impact
Trump Apologizes for Mistreatment of Elizabeth Warren, Admits He Was Wrong
Trump’s speech has been widely regarded as a shining example of political decency and civility. Many are also applauding his masterful turn of phrase and elegant use of language in his speech.
Racist Grandpa You Had One Conversation With Over Break Still Sending You Fox News Articles
“I saw it was from my grandpa, and I knew I had made a mistake when I mentioned my gender studies class to my family over the holidays.”
Magician Who Pulled Quarter From Trump’s Ear Named New Treasury Secretary
“Given Duke’s ability to generate money from ears, combine two rings into one, and materialize rabbits from his hat, he is overqualified for the position.”
Trump Proposes “Smushing” The Koreas Together To End Border Conflict
“Trump kept pushing his hands together, attempting to push two imaginary landmasses across an ethereal demilitarized zone; his face reportedly became increasingly purple as well.”
Barron Trump Entertained by Puppet Government
Several sources close to the Trump family have voiced concern over how much time he spends watching the soulless pawns dance across the screen, but Marcellus isn’t worried: “If anything, this is what his father would have wanted.”
Pissing Off Minority Group with Weapons Training is Greatest Move to Date, Nation Agrees
At press time, the White House was frantically sandbagging the doors and windows as neat regiments of transgender Navy Seals politely waited outside to have a word with the commander in chief.