Author Archives: Caleb Young

Op-Ed: Netflix Could Shoot Someone on Fifth Avenue and I’d Still Pay for Their Service

Look—I’m not usually in favor of violence. However, I’ve been appalled by media attacks on Netflix over their new pricing plan. I have a simple message for my fellow Netflix customers who are considering defecting: if Netflix CEO Reed Hastings were to shoot someone in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue, I would have no qualms about continuing my subscription. The reason is simple: consider the alternatives. I’m not saying Netflix is perfect, but it’s sure better than Hulu. Is it

Student Hides Microwave Inside 50-lb Bag of Cocaine for Winter Dorm Inspection

As winter break dorm inspections draw near, Weinberg sophomore Keith Harding announced plans to prevent his RA from confiscating his microwave by burying it inside a 50-lb bag of cocaine. “I really like the convenience of having a microwave in my room, but I’m technically not allowed to keep electrical appliances in here,” said Harding, a frequent re-heater known throughout South Campus as an instant oatmeal plug. “Boy oh boy, this ought to fool them!” Northwestern Residential Services acknowledged to

Jeff Sessions Recalled to Santa’s Workshop Unexpectedly Early

In a surprise move, the White House announced Wednesday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had resigned to return to his seasonal gig at Santa’s workshop. In a statement read by Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the administration called Session’s departure “regrettable but necessary.” The statement lamented that the Christmas season is starting “earlier and earlier…like, its not even Thanksgiving but CVS is already playing Michael Bublé tracks on repeat.” Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein spoke Thursday about the personal impact

DNA Test: Warren About as Diverse as Northwestern Student Body

A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern. Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. “I think it’s important to have politicians who make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,” said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues. “We need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus:

Morty Confused Why He Can’t See His Pediatrician Anymore

In a rambling speech on Tuesday, University President Morton Shapiro admitted to Northwestern’s Board of Trustees that he’s not really sure why he can’t keep seeing his pediatrician. “I just felt like I had a special connection with Dr. Tottles,” Morty lamented to the confused room of trustees, who thought they were getting a speech about the university budget. “Every time he would put one of my little hairs under his microscope and tell me he could see AND in