Prior To Resigning, Jeff Sessions Jails One More Minority For “Old Times’ Sake”
“I knew that I had to go out with one last humdinger.”
JB Pritzker Launches Two Month Long “Thank You” Ad Campaign
“I thought, ‘No, that’s not possible. I thought we were done with this. Why is he back? For God’s sake, why is he back?’”
Journalist Killing Breaks Long Tradition of Free Speech and Progressivism in Saudi Arabia
The international community has been bewildered, with multiple UN representatives expressing disbelief over the historically peaceful Middle-Eastern nation suddenly cracking down on freedom of the press.
Catholicism to Officially Change Name to “Pritzianity” After Large Donation
“The anonymous donor was unsatisfied with the public response to the name change, and for some reason was demanding that Pope Francis declare Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner to be the Antichrist.”
New Study Reveals That You Aren’t Good Enough to Go Here
A new study published in the Daily Northwestern has revealed that you are neither academically nor socially good enough to go here.
Op-Ed: JB Pritzker Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Advertise in My Dreams
“I understand that this is the nature of election season in these increasingly digital times, there are also lines that should not under any circumstances be crossed.”
Freshman Trekkie Keeps Saying He’s Rushing Sci-Fi
After making his rounds through the various Sunday dinners hosted by Northwestern fraternities, Star Trek fanatic Kirk Spockard has allegedly found his future brotherhood with “Sci-Fi”.
Freshman Confuses Primal Scream With Daily Screams Of Despair
“Ultimately, I think we’re all better off if whiny bitches like Craigery just synchronized their screams, for efficiency’s sake,” said librarian and professional shusher Rita Lotte.
NU Sports Rewards App Has Students Walking Past Soccer Field at Record High
As the app gains popularity, officials hope students will be inspired by their personalized jerseys and may one day wear them as they sit through an entire game.
Frat House Starting to Feel Like Frat Home
“As time went on, the constant drunkenness and mild-homoeroticism really made me feel comfortable.”