Morty Replaces Water in Water Fountains with Juice From Juicy Drop Pops
“Personally, I just enjoy it so much I figured the student body would appreciate it, too.”
Category Archives: Archives
Josh McKenzie Enters Odinsleep to Recharge for 2018 Wildcat Welcome
Northwestern prides itself on refining the most tantalizingly brutal method to this transition by giving freshmen an extended period of fun-filled programming, then immediately thrusting them into midterms.
Area Grandpa Silently Sleuthing Ethnicity of Granddaughter’s New Boyfriend
“When he greeted me, he had one of those Commie-French accents. Who the hell are they letting into our schools these days?”
Bobb to Release “Eau de Bobb” Luxury Fragrance
Local Bobb residents who were given a special look at the fragrance also speak to its exquisite indescribability
NU President Colluded with Russian Lit Professor on New Book
“Furthermore, we believe that Morson’s humanities agenda influenced most, if not all, of Schapiro’s economic positions outlined in the book.”
“Actually,” Begins Freshman History Major, as Soon as Hamilton Ends
Blatantly ignorant of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s right to take artistic liberties, Dawson continued, “Some realities were totally skewed. Sorry guys, but Hamilton was not that liberal!”
Sodexo Unveils Revolutionary New Dining Experience with ‘Plex South’
The location will scrap the popular live-cooking option in favor of an open fish tank, where diners can pick their meal using their bare hands and struggle for food-chain superiority over the gasping animal.
New CompSci Class Unveiled, ‘Navigating CAESAR For Non-Majors’
“Couldn’t some of Northwestern’s Hamilton ticket budget go to making a class registration site that doesn’t look like it was made in 1997?”
Morty Announces Plan for $80 Million Temple to Phaeraxys, Goddess of Construction
After falling asleep during a board meeting, Morty explained that the all-powerful deity appeared in a dream and commanded him to build the 5-story, 30,000-square-foot temple.
Students Rate Dining Hall Food Third Best Thing They’ve Eaten Today Behind Tears and Semen
“At least the first two come quickly.”