Local RA Only Member of Floor GroupMe
“I thought Cassidy was really cool at first, but then she cornered me in the lounge, yelling about how I missed some Saturday night info session about using the CTA.”
Category Archives: Archives
Wolf Blitzer Shouts “Breaking News” Before Taking Shit
Members of his family have repeatedly tried to help Blitzer break his “bad habit,” but all attempts at doing so have been fruitless.
Report: Your PA was Drunk the Whole Time
Northwestern’s Alcohol ENU, long ignored by students, has recently come under fire for releasing a survey of PA drinking habits.
Frisky Freshman Pledges to Go “Meatless” on Mondays
“This could definitely do me some good. My jaw gets very sore from handling meat so often.”
Area Freshman Confident Dream Girl in Next Quarter’s Classes
“He’s trying to pretend he’s Romeo when he comes off as a coked-up Charlie Sheen every time he talks to a girl.”
Joan of Arc Was Seriously Lit
‘The Maid of OrlĂ©ans did what most teenagers do and lit up at least once, according to our historical data.”
New Dorm on North Campus Just Another Whole Foods
Local residents are excited about the location of Evanston’s fourth Whole Foods.
Trump Bumps “Debates” Up List of Democratic Institutions to Destroy
Blaming an unfair system rigged by the nation’s 240-year tradition of majoritarian democracy, Mr. Trump has decided to move “debates” from their current place beneath “taxes.”
Off-Campus Party Gross, Just Fucking Gross
“It was so damn hot in there, people were sweating like pigs, and on top of all that, the beer pong balls kept landing on the mildew in the back corner.”
Kresge Built on Ancient Student Burial Ground
“Scientists have retrieved and identified approximately 150 people from under the building, as detected by the geological survey of the site, who died under the oppressive legacy of Northwestern founder John Evans.”