NU President Colluded with Russian Lit Professor on New Book
“Furthermore, we believe that Morson’s humanities agenda influenced most, if not all, of Schapiro’s economic positions outlined in the book.”
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“Actually,” Begins Freshman History Major, as Soon as Hamilton Ends
Blatantly ignorant of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s right to take artistic liberties, Dawson continued, “Some realities were totally skewed. Sorry guys, but Hamilton was not that liberal!”
Sodexo Unveils Revolutionary New Dining Experience with ‘Plex South’
The location will scrap the popular live-cooking option in favor of an open fish tank, where diners can pick their meal using their bare hands and struggle for food-chain superiority over the gasping animal.
New CompSci Class Unveiled, ‘Navigating CAESAR For Non-Majors’
“Couldn’t some of Northwestern’s Hamilton ticket budget go to making a class registration site that doesn’t look like it was made in 1997?”
Morty Announces Plan for $80 Million Temple to Phaeraxys, Goddess of Construction
After falling asleep during a board meeting, Morty explained that the all-powerful deity appeared in a dream and commanded him to build the 5-story, 30,000-square-foot temple.
Students Rate Dining Hall Food Third Best Thing They’ve Eaten Today Behind Tears and Semen
“At least the first two come quickly.”
“Being a Lightweight Saves Money,” Claims Vomiting Freshman
Sources say Tarver consumed only three standard drinks over two and a half hours on Saturday, though Tarver claims that he poured “like, a couple shots worth” of liquor into each of his disgusting vodka Sprites.
Air-Drying Freshman Maybe A Little Too Confident
“Towels are just so constricting, you know?” Stevens told the Flipside while sitting naked in a lounge.
Classes Cancelled as Morty Loses Key to Northwestern
“This definitely isn’t the first time Morty has had to cancel class due to his forgetfulness. One day during my sophomore year, we couldn’t have morning classes because Morty forgot to wake up the professors.”
Freshman Makes Eye Contact 14 Times in One Day
“I’ll stare right into their eyes and not say a single word. If their pupils dilate, that means it’s working.”