Broken Man Decides He’s Named Seth Now
“Fuck it, I guess my name is Seth now.”
Category Archives: Local
Bobb residents given free posters of newly renovated Welsh-Ryan Arena to cover up patches of mold
“A glossy poster of the $110 million renovated arena makes my chronic cough entirely worth it,” said Bobb resident Jason McKeen.
Sorority Freshman Excited to Learn New Best Friend’s Last Name
“Before I just knew her as ‘Jessica-with-blonde-highlights-from-that-house-with-pink-curtains,’ not to be confused with ‘Jessica-with-blonde-highlights-from-the-house-kinda-near-Willard.’”
Local Dickhead Masturbates Over Colorful and Crowded Google Calendar
Norbucks was awash with shock and disgust this week as local dickhead, Derek Havey, touched himself to the image of his overly-colorful and very crowded Google Calendar.
Area Student Beginning Winter Hobby of Watching Rich Students Call Ubers Everywhere
“I give them bonus points if I can see both where the Uber picks them up and drops them off from one spot.”
Local Student Tries to Buy Juul, Accidentally Summons Zuul
“Look, how can you expect me to know the difference between a Juul and a Zuul? I’m a legacy, I never learned to spell.”
Students from Midwest Itching to Act Unbothered Following First Major Snowfall
Floridian and Californian students are warned to be wary of who they complain around, lest a Midwestern student overhears and feels the need to correct their ignorance.
New Hazing Ritual to Involve Attending A Cappella Concert
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
Morty Tired of Students Only Wanting Him for His Financial Aid
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
First Thanksgiving Without Grandma Goes Off Surprisingly Well
“Mom made the cranberry pie almost as well as Grandma used to, so by next year it won’t even be noticeable.”