Freshman Grabs Ambitious Amount of Condoms
“I’m gonna be burnin’ rubber like the Indy 500. This should last me through the end of the quarter.”
Category Archives: Local
The House Isn’t the Only Thing Turning Blue, Claims Frat Boy Participating in No Nut November
“My grandfather in a bikini won’t cut it anymore,” claimed Anderson, “for the Senate or for stopping my arousal.”
Only Girl in Your Compsci Class is Totally Into You
“She looks almost directly at me exactly once a class! It’s so hot, she’s totally hitting on me,” said clueless McCormick freshman, Alec Thatcher.
Budget Crisis Means Only Holiday Music in Norris is Morty Singing “Little Drummer Boy”
With the budget crisis in full effect, Northwestern might not have anything to deck the halls with, but that hasn’t stopped Northwestern President Morton Schapiro from attempting to spread the good cheer.
Northwestern Professors Now Selling PowerPoint Ad Space to Close Budget Gap
Schapiro insisted that selling ad space is not mandatory. However, his rule that those who did not comply would have to spend a night as a Bobb RA has made PowerPoint ads quite popular among professors.
Pat Fitzgerald Advises Struggling Chem Student to Wrap Up, Remember the Fundamentals
Premed student Charlie Nigam, WCAS ’20, was delighted and confused by a surprise phone call from Pat Fitzgerald, in which the head football coach told him the secret to passing his upcoming chemistry midterm was to wrap up and remember the fundamentals.
New Study Reveals That You Aren’t Good Enough to Go Here
A new study published in the Daily Northwestern has revealed that you are neither academically nor socially good enough to go here.
Freshman Trekkie Keeps Saying He’s Rushing Sci-Fi
After making his rounds through the various Sunday dinners hosted by Northwestern fraternities, Star Trek fanatic Kirk Spockard has allegedly found his future brotherhood with “Sci-Fi”.
Freshman Confuses Primal Scream With Daily Screams Of Despair
“Ultimately, I think we’re all better off if whiny bitches like Craigery just synchronized their screams, for efficiency’s sake,” said librarian and professional shusher Rita Lotte.
Frat House Starting to Feel Like Frat Home
“As time went on, the constant drunkenness and mild-homoeroticism really made me feel comfortable.”