Theatre Major in Front Row Ruins Lecture Yet Again
This is reportedly the seventh time lecture has been derailed by this repeat offender with no sign of remorse.
Category Archives: Local
Local Saint Tips Chipotle Worker with Spare Change After Ignoring Three Homeless People
Other Chipotle workers expressed similar beliefs about Klightâs generosity and holiness, and reportedly pray for the day when he returns and puts a single dollar bill into the tip jar.
Creative Writing Program Debuts New “Pensively Skipping Stones” Course
“We start each day by listening to Coldplayâs âFix Youâ and âYellow.â Then we shuffle to the Lakefill with our heads pointed downward. Finally we pick up the slimmest of stones, muse on the mutability of existence, and ultimately launch the minerals into the vast unknown they call Lake Michigan.”
Area Student with One Earbud Out Hears Gossip About Himself
âIâm always paranoid that people will be talking about me,â said Steinhauer, who had turned off his podcast and was trying to make eye contact, âAnd itâs scary to think that I was right.â
Steve Hagerty in Cahoots with Russian Studies Department
âA few days before the election, our headquarters were broken into. I almost didnât notice until I tripped on a heavily annotated copy of Dostoevskyâs The Idiot.â
Professor Hooked on Telling Students to Forget Everything They Know
“The establishment may have poisoned these kidsâ minds, but Iâm the one whoâll bring out the truth in their hearts!â said Farnigan with a look of crazed euphoria.
Op-Ed: Iâm in Bienen and McCormick is Too Hard
The other major reform I would suggest is that McCormick split its âWhole Brain Engineeringâ program into academic courses of study into Right Brain and Left Brain Engineering…Right Brain engineers wouldnât need to learn any of that math shit, while Left Brain engineers would be exempt from DTC or any other course that involves communication with another human being.
Nothing Is Being Built Outside of University Hall, Don’t Worry About It
While many assumed they must be working on a new building or the steam pipes or something, it turns out that they arenât actually building anything at all, so donât worry about it.
Area Student Demands Gluten
The instigator of Enrightâs ire was a platter of carrot muffins in the dining hallâs vegan section.
Morty Exchanges 200 Dave & Busters Tickets for Wildcats Nightlight
While giddily walking away from the prize counter, Northwestern president Morton Schapiro told reporters today that he had exchanged 200 Dave & Busters tickets for a Wildcats nightlight. âIâm a really big Northwestern sports fan, so Iâm super excited to have my very own Wildcats nightlight. Oh boy!â Morty exclaimed. Morty reportedly earned the 200 tickets over several hours playing Skee-Ball, whack-a-mole, and pop-a-shot basketball. He was chaperoned around the venue by members of the Board of Trustees. âYou should