Area Boyfriend Watches The Notebook to Get Head
“How did he get such a good idea? If I ever get a girlfriend, I know what movie I’ll watch.”
Category Archives: Local
Off-campus Student Considers Cleaning Fridge
“Thinking of cleaning out the old fridge,” Orozco said in a 3:21 a.m. tweet. “Want to wait until the time is right, though.”
Morty Down to Three Juice Boxes a Day
Many sources have speculated that this development will surely be good for Northwestern morale.
Girlfriend Prepares for 30 Solid Seconds of Action
“I’ll try to cut down the foreplay to the first two seconds so we can get right into the action.”
Pencil Tappers Arrested in Massive Morse-Code Cheating Ring
“After the time came for the short answer section, the tapping went from ‘Amateur Drum Solo’ to ‘Pissed-Off Flock of Woodpeckers.’”
Area Man to Stop Calling Women “Females” For Valentine’s Day
Women should be able to not have sex if they don’t want to, Holbrook said, provided that they’ll still do “stuff under the table at Chili’s.”
Op-Ed: Will You Be My Valentine and Co-Sign My Loan?
“There’s nobody sexier or more financially solvent than you, baby, and this Valentine’s Day I want you to feel special.”
Professor Too Busy Rekindling Marriage to Grade Midterm
“Honestly it’s just been me spending more time at home and making married life feel less empty, but it’s definitely for the best.”
Sophomore Remains Unfazed by Read Receipts on “Hey” Texts
“I’m sure she’s just busy. Or playing hard to get. I get that from chicks a ton.”
Fraternity to Move Thursday-Night Rapes to Off-Campus House
“We are encouraged by recent efforts enacted by the Interfraternity Council (IFC). We feel this will curb sexual assault on campus, and effectively push it off campus,” remarked Patricia Telles-Irvin.