Turns Out Club Penguin was Muslim
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.
Category Archives: Articles
Demographically Clueless Republican Enters Evanston Mayoral Campaign
“I—despite being a straight, rich, white male conservative—feel like I can be the best ally to people upset at how the world chews up and spits out the little guy.”
Non-Area Student Visits Campus
Over the weekend non-area student Alex Jackson visited Northwestern’s campus. Sources indicate he was somewhat impressed.
Roommate Counters Humidifier Purchase with Dehumidifier
“She has every right to put a humidifier on her side of the room. Just like I have every right to cancel it out with a dehumidifier on my side.”
Republican RA to Counter Walkout with Muslim Lockout
“This new policy will both keep Hinman safe from all forms of Terrorism and make those liberals regret every protesting.”
Area Mom to Run Tomorrow
“Running is just one part of it; I’m also going to be eating healthier and keeping a track of my daily activities.”
Sean Spicer, Author of To Kill a Mockingbird, to Speak at NU
The novel, which follows the coming-of-age of a Southern girl against a background of racial unrest, is reported by critics to have been penned by the late Harper Lee, but Spicer emphatically denies these claims.
Mayoral Candidate Passes the “Who Would I Shoot Heroin With?” Test
“When I look through all of these candidates, I just see a bunch of old out-of-touch men I’d never want to shoot heroin with, but Quinn is something different.”
Op-Ed: My President was White
To my knowledge, Morty is not black, or any other race other than white.
Area Student Finally Finishes Netflix
Patterson, who hadn’t been seen in person since September, emerged from Elder on Monday morning, looking terribly sleep deprived but ready to attend classes and talk to other people.