Category Archives: Articles

Asshole Frat Brother Secretly Loves Telling People to Take a Lap

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EVANSTON — Reports stemming from the Rho chapter of the Tappa Tappa Keg fraternity indicate that brother Ben Nickerson, a Weinberg junior, secretly loves turning people away from the fraternity’s numerous events and social engagements. “Just the look on these people’s faces when you tell them to walk around the block, it’s hysterical,” said Nickerson, casually lounging on the house porch, Solo cup in hand. “They look like you just told them Christmas is cancelled. They just don’t believe they

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Defensive Line Benched for Fashion Faux Pas

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EVANSTON — Although there has been a lot of hype around the recently ranked Northwestern Football team, the Wildcats will be playing this Saturday without their starting defensive line. As the Northwestern community has long been aware, the team has a strict dress policy on weekdays: a Northwestern Football sweatshirt with a complementary pair of gray or black sweat pants. Any attempt to disobey this policy results in severe punishment. This past Monday, the defensive line boldly disregarded the rules,

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Northwestern Feels Awkward Asking Seth Meyers to Come Two Years in a Row

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EVANSTON — The six Northwestern students who actually watch Around the Horn rejoiced when the university named J. A. Adande to lead Northwestern’s 2012 Homecoming parade. “This is an event all Northwestern students look forward to, and I could not be more honored to reveal our Homecoming Marshal as
 shit, what’s his name?” announced President Morton Schapiro earlier this month. The announcement culminated a long and often frustrating search for an important public figure. “Do you think we’d be coming

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Boca Raton Residents Play Debate Drinking Game with Mylanta

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BOCA RATON, FL — Residents of Century Village, a Boca Raton retirement community, gathered to watch the third and final presidential debate Monday night while they played a drinking game with Mylanta, an over the counter treatment for acid reflux. Third floor resident Seymo Best Way To Get Your Ex Back Through Texting ur Cohen organized the drinking game as a good way to have fun and reduce flatulence at the same time. “Monday nights are usually a big night

Read more No. 90, Politics

Daily Northwestern Forced to Lay Off Slave Drivers after Losing Advertisers

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EVANSTON — A long-standing tradition of excellence and diligence took a huge hit last week when The Daily Northwestern laid off all of their slave drivers in light of recent reductions in their advertising revenue. “Yeah, we saw that we were in the hole, we figured our only option was to slash all these Eastern Europeans we have running around here,” said Alex Harrison, editor-in-chief. “But I sure will miss the pained moans of all our beat reporters as those

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Debate Proves Candidates Will Argue About Seriously Anything

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BOCA RATON, FL — At the third presidential debate at Lynn University, where the median student age is 75 years old, undecided voters finally had the opportunity to see just how far Governor Romney and President Obama will go to criticize each other. The two candidates were in top form as they displayed their ability to dispute literally anything. Romney and Obama sparred on topics such as the war in Afghanistan, relations with China, and the proper pronunciation of ‘tomato’,

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Area Man Telling You How You’re a Propaganda-Spewing Sheep

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FACEBOOK –- Following your decision to watch a Presidential debate and post a Facebook status in support of your preferred candidate, area man William Burton, whom sources indicate you dimly remember from your days in summer camp, has already left three lengthy comments on your original post detailing exactly how and why you are a propaganda-spewing shill for an illegitimate political movement. Burton began his tirade by telling you how “disappointed” he was to see you supporting a rival politician

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Entire Population of Long Island Goes Missing

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LONG ISLAND, NY — In a bizarre coincidence, Northwestern University welcomed students’ family and friends for their annual family weekend from Friday October 19 to Sunday October 21, and the entire population of Long Island, New York has gone missing. “Where’d they go?” cried Syosset Mayor Rich Goldman. The island’s population was discovered missing on Friday night, when nearby Manhattan resident Aaron Weiner drove up to surprise his sister, her husband, and their two kids. “I was feeling lucky because the

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Willie the Wildcat Gains Freshman 15, Says “It’s All fur”

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EVANSTON — Northwestern bloggers took to their Macbooks this week after photos of a noticeably fluffier Willie the Wildcat began circulating after Tuesday night’s marching band practice. While NU’s favorite feline denies he’s gained even a little bit of the freshman 15 during his 79th year at college, sorority member Katie VanHousen of Neva Eta Bagela recently tweeted one of the now infamous photos with the hashtags “#ewwwww,” “#SOGROSS,” and “#totalfatty!” “It’s just FUR!” the embarrassed mascot meowed to a

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Weinberg Senior Unearths Massive Northwestern Conspiracy

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EVANSTON – The “Nothing Happened” Rock is an inconspicuous pinkish rock near Annie May Swift Hall that decrees that “On this site in 1897 Nothing Happened.” The mysterious and perplexing rock has captured the attention of Weinberg senior Andy Atkins, an anthropology and geology double major, who has been studying the rock for three years. Atkins believes that the rock covers a secret entrance to Northwestern’s underground society, Deru. “I never trusted that shady group,” said Atkins, “and when I

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