Category Archives: Articles

Student Sentiment Divided Over New College Sweatshirt Ban

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EVANSTON — Northwestern students and faculty received an emergency campus alert Tuesday from President Schapiro that stated, “As of November 1, 2012, students will no longer be permitted to wear college sweatshirts or any other apparel that displays the name of any school in the top 50 of US News & World Report’s annual college rankings, excluding Northwestern.” General student sentiment indicates a clear divide between former early decision and regular decision applicants. “ZOMG, Morty is actually a god. Like, finally

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Tennessee Freshman Learns True Meaning of Halloween

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EVANSTON — Bienen Freshman Tricia Williams, originally from Maryville, Tennessee, recently learned the true meaning of Halloween. After talking to some students from the Chicago area (really Wilmette and Naperville), Williams was shocked to buy priligy online without prescription learn that her previous beliefs about Halloween were absolutely and completely wrong. She said, “I thought costumes were about being someone other than yourself. Instead of just asking, ‘What are you going to be?’ people here ask, ‘How much clothing are

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Police Arrest ‘78 Alumna for “Tryna Get Shwasty” at Homecoming

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EVANSTON — Eileen Schneider, WCAS ’78, was arrested this weekend for belligerent behavior and public indecency during a homecoming event on Deering Meadow, according to new reports from the Evanston Police Department. She had been yelling obscenities across the meadow and flashing gentlemen coming in and out of Kellogg. Schneider was stunned by her arrest and by the harsh campus rules that have “poisoned this university.” “I was just tryna get a little shwasty up on Sheridan,” Schneider said as

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History Teacher a Real Dickwad for Scheduling Test the Monday after Halloween Weekend

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By Harry Barbash, Sophomore Economics Major What the fuck, Professor Donaghy? Do you have any idea what happened this last weekend? You think there was time to study for a midterm about the Celts in the 11th century? Because there sure as shit was not. Let’s start with the obvious. Halloween is the peak time for drunken revelry. Halloween just sweetens the crowded-apartment-party pot. Hookups become even more anonymous as you grind up on whatever masked person’s behind you. Alcohol

Read more No. 91, Opinion

Asshole Frat Brother Secretly Loves Telling People to Take a Lap

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EVANSTON — Reports stemming from the Rho chapter of the Tappa Tappa Keg fraternity indicate that brother Ben Nickerson, a Weinberg junior, secretly loves turning people away from the fraternity’s numerous events and social engagements. “Just the look on these people’s faces when you tell them to walk around the block, it’s hysterical,” said Nickerson, casually lounging on the house porch, Solo cup in hand. “They look like you just told them Christmas is cancelled. They just don’t believe they

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Defensive Line Benched for Fashion Faux Pas

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EVANSTON — Although there has been a lot of hype around the recently ranked Northwestern Football team, the Wildcats will be playing this Saturday without their starting defensive line. As the Northwestern community has long been aware, the team has a strict dress policy on weekdays: a Northwestern Football sweatshirt with a complementary pair of gray or black sweat pants. Any attempt to disobey this policy results in severe punishment. This past Monday, the defensive line boldly disregarded the rules,

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Northwestern Feels Awkward Asking Seth Meyers to Come Two Years in a Row

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EVANSTON — The six Northwestern students who actually watch Around the Horn rejoiced when the university named J. A. Adande to lead Northwestern’s 2012 Homecoming parade. “This is an event all Northwestern students look forward to, and I could not be more honored to reveal our Homecoming Marshal as
 shit, what’s his name?” announced President Morton Schapiro earlier this month. The announcement culminated a long and often frustrating search for an important public figure. “Do you think we’d be coming

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Boca Raton Residents Play Debate Drinking Game with Mylanta

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BOCA RATON, FL — Residents of Century Village, a Boca Raton retirement community, gathered to watch the third and final presidential debate Monday night while they played a drinking game with Mylanta, an over the counter treatment for acid reflux. Third floor resident Seymo Best Way To Get Your Ex Back Through Texting ur Cohen organized the drinking game as a good way to have fun and reduce flatulence at the same time. “Monday nights are usually a big night

Read more No. 90, Politics

Daily Northwestern Forced to Lay Off Slave Drivers after Losing Advertisers

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EVANSTON — A long-standing tradition of excellence and diligence took a huge hit last week when The Daily Northwestern laid off all of their slave drivers in light of recent reductions in their advertising revenue. “Yeah, we saw that we were in the hole, we figured our only option was to slash all these Eastern Europeans we have running around here,” said Alex Harrison, editor-in-chief. “But I sure will miss the pained moans of all our beat reporters as those

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Debate Proves Candidates Will Argue About Seriously Anything

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BOCA RATON, FL — At the third presidential debate at Lynn University, where the median student age is 75 years old, undecided voters finally had the opportunity to see just how far Governor Romney and President Obama will go to criticize each other. The two candidates were in top form as they displayed their ability to dispute literally anything. Romney and Obama sparred on topics such as the war in Afghanistan, relations with China, and the proper pronunciation of ‘tomato’,

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