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Big Ten Looks to be Even Shittier with Addition of Rutgers, Maryland

November 20, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

PARK RIDGE, IL — Over the past several weeks, the Big Ten conference conducted talks with perennial bottom dwellers Rutgers University and the University of Maryland about adding them to the conference and making a 14-team league. This week, negotiations have concluded, and both Maryland and Rutgers will be joining the conference by 2014. “Big Ten football teams did a great job of fucking up this year by losing to almost every non-conference opponent we played, but it’s not enough,”

Mitt Romney Buys and Bankrupts Hostess, Just to Spite Ohio

November 19, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

CLEVELAND, OH — Trans-fat gourmands everywhere mourned the loss of the Hostess Corporation on Friday when the company announced it was closing its factory doors for good. Many middle Americans, including all of the remaining Republicans in Ohio, took a break mid ho-ho bite to blame Barack and Michelle Obama for the confectionary catastrophe. “This is just another example of how Obama is bad for America,” Warren Couty resident Tammy Smith told the Flipside, brushing some cinnamon sugar off her

The Flipside’s Best Ways to Accomodate Puerto Rican Star on the U.S. Flag

November 17, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO — Puerto Rico’s majority vote for statehood this past Tuesday raised perhaps the most unsettling question of the entire campaign season. For more than fifty years, the U.S. flag has represented an achievement in both symbolism and geometry, and in that light, a 51st star could be as controversial as Obamacare. We propose here the most viable solutions to this potential configurational cataclysm: 1. Combine the Dakotas, population now about the same as New Hampshire. 2.

Jeremy Renner Selected to be the New “Daniel Craig”

November 16, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD, CA –- Representatives from EON Productions announced today that following the release of the critically-acclaimed new blockbuster Skyfall, Oscar-nominated actor Jeremy Renner has been selected to take up the mantle of playing one of cinema’s most enduring characters, Daniel Craig. Longtime “Craig” producer Barbara Broccoli personally announced the casting decision, stating that Renner had been selected from a highly competitive pool of potential Craigs, and that she had carefully monitored his career trajectory since Renner came to her attention

Area Squirrel Won’t Shut Up Outside My Window

November 15, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

NEW YORK EVANSTON — As area Flipside reporter Brian Earl was sitting down to write an article about the impact Hurricane Sandy had on the New York subway system, he was rudely interrupted by a squirrel screeching outside his window. “Hurricane Sandy Ironically Clears Subway Tunnels of Sand,” typed Earl, chuckling to his handsome self, prepared to regale the world with his brilliance. All of a sudden — and mid-word, no less — a squirrel went “MRAAP MRAAP MRAAP!” “How

Ski Trip Sign-Ups Skyrocket Following Tuesday’s Election Results

November 14, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Voters in Colorado passed Amendment 64 on Nov. 6, legalizing the use of recreational marijuana throughout the state. As a result, sign-ups for Northwestern’s annual ski trip to Steamboat, Colorado have significantly increased. Local experts, like Freshman stoner Graham Baker, attempted to explain the direct correlation between signing up and weed with a nifty line graph, but got distracted by his fingers as he moved them in an upward diagonal motion. Baker told Flipside reporters, “Yeah, I was

The Campaign in Review: Musings from Rafalca Romney

November 14, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

Not only could I have done a better job checking Paul Ryan’s math by stamping my left hoof, but I probably could have conveyed a better understanding of the American tax-bracket breakdown based on my observations of barnyard social structure.

Utah Admits to Not Counting Presidential Election Ballots

November 13, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from Utah admitted yesterday that they entirely skipped counting the ballots from last week’s general election. Instead of tallying the votes, the Office of Lieutenant Governor, which handles elections in the Beehive State, admitted to just making up numbers that add up to rough estimates of voter turnout. Major news outlets first noticed discrepancies when election projections were made seconds after polls closing with no precincts actually reporting. These discrepancies went largely unnoticed when

Sororities Raise Standards on Preview Day

November 12, 2012 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern’s Panhellenic Association made changes to the sorority recruitment process prior to Preview Day this Sunday. Delta Delta Delta Delta Chapter President Kate Denning said, “More and more girls are going Greek, and chapters are changing how they look at their future sisters. Ten years ago, even a brunette would get a bid from Quad-Delt, but now that approximately 40% of girls here are Greek, we’re raising our standards.” Sororities are adding new elements to the rush process,

Premed Still Unsure Who Won Election

November 11, 2012 Zoe Pearl Leave a comment

SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN THE RECESSES OF TECH — After spending all of Tuesday night in Tech Library studying for his Orgo midterm, freshman Justin Forster emerged earlier today completely unaware of who won the presidential election. “Oh shit,” said a disheveled Forster when reached for comment. “I-I guess I was so worried about [studying] that I just completely forgot [the election] was happening. I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in there for.” Forster went on to explain that