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Christopher Nolan to plant idea of Oscar nomination in Academy’s collective head

February 2, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

After failing to receive an Academy Award for Best Director nomination for his sci-fi film Inception this year and his superhero movie The Dark Knight in 2008, director Christopher Nolan announced today that he plans to plant the idea of a nomination in the head of each Academy member via the inception technique. “I specialize in a very specific kind of vote rigging.” explained Nolan, “Subconscious vote rigging.” Nolan laid out his detailed plan to The Flipside. “I plan on

NU Qatar Students Outraged Over Enforcement of Harem Law

February 2, 2011 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

DOHA, QATAR – Students at Northwestern University in Qatar have been up in arms over the city’s claims that they will be stepping up enforcement of the infamous harem law. The harem law, which been on the books since the days of the sultans, prohibits a man from living with more than three wives in any building not specifically zoned to be a harem. Enforcement of the law has been lax, but due to a huge population boom in Doha,

Willard Residents Stop Showering for Month of February to Win Green Cup

February 2, 2011 Alex Chudler Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Willard residents have decided to take drastic measures in order to retain their title as the “Greenest Dorm (With a Dining Hall) on Campus” from the Green Cup last year. Most notably, all Willardites will forgo showers for the entire month of February to win the prestigious title in 2011. “Not showering for a whole month is really going to help secure our victory,” said Willard president Jackson Drapple. “Not to mention that it’s been proven that not taking

Nintendo Announces Pokémon Generation VI: Sunni and Shi’ite

February 2, 2011 Brian Earl One comment

This article was conceived by Nick Platoff, Bienen 2014 TOKYO — Following the anticipated success of Pokémon Black and White, Nintendo revealed that the sixth generation of the popular video game will have the “colors” of Sunni and Shi’ite. Satoshi Tajiri, creator of the Pokémon franchise, told the Flipside, “The most recent Pokémon games – Pearl and Diamond, Black and White – have been called ‘lame’ and ‘boring.’ We clearly needed to make the next generation more exciting. Infusing the

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Evanston Announces Reinstatement of Skipping Ban, Retracts Statement Five Seconds Later

February 2, 2011 Alex Chudler Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Evanston officials announced earlier today that an outdated law banning skipping anywhere in the city will be reinstated starting next month. “Anyone found moving in a light, springy manner by bounding forward with alternate hops on each foot will be arrested,” said Jerry Murton, Evanston’s Division Manager of Building and Inspection Services, at a press conference. “Whether the perpetrator is seen skipping in a store, on the street or in their own home, whether they are 6 years old or

Pro Bowl 2011: AFC Quarterbacks Throw More Interceptions Than Completions; No One Cares

February 2, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Texting While Jihad-ing: It Can Wait

February 2, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

TRIBAL PAKISTAN – Authorities recently revealed that a would-be Russian suicide bomber’s vest detonated prematurely in the outskirts of Moscow. The terrorist, who was scheduled to attack Red Square, was killed in her safe house after receiving an automated “Happy New Year” text from her wireless provider. In the following days, Al-Qaeda has launched a new PSA aimed at keeping their bombers’ phones where they belong: strapped to cases of PETN and ball-bearings. The new campaign, spearheaded by New York

Error Report Baffles Microsoft

February 2, 2011 Noah Rawitz Leave a comment

“I don’t get it. The ‘Don’t Send’ option has always been the default. The damned thing is already highlighted to draw the user’s attention.”

Evanston Police Create New Brothel-lizer

January 27, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Keeping with the historically progressive nature of the Evanston government, the police department issued a new technique to limit public unrest: the brothel-lizer. The brothel-lizer is an oblong white tube inserted anally to check for brothel residue. “I might not be a proctologist,” said deputy chief Victor Rudo, “but working at the police department has given me plenty of experience fucking kids up the ass.” “Metaphorically,” he added. Evanston officials are considering the addition of a volunteer brothel-lizing

Coat Strategically Placed at Party for Quick, Drunk Exit

January 27, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Jessica Stamford, a student first and partier second, has found ways to become more efficient and economical with her weekly drinking binges. The pre-med sophomore has developed a foolproof plan to get drunk quickly and go to sleep early enough that she can get a head start on Organic Chemistry the next morning. “Being a pre-med, I’ve got some tough classes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get my party on every Friday and Saturday night for thirty