Student Wonders if it’s Too Late to Start Going to Class
Hall wondered if he should attend at least one lecture in each class so he can find the rooms where his finals will be held.
Category Archives: Articles
Report: Your Mayfest Friend Quiet All of a Sudden
In situations where she might find herself saying, “you’ll never guess who’s going to be on the Main Stage this year!” or “Guys, I have literally wanted a Ferris wheel on the Lakefill since I was born,” she now just stands there without making a peep.
Mayfest: “We’ll Just Throw Drunk People in the Lake, OK??”
“After the event, we can just take a big net and scoop everybody into it. Just grab each person’s Wildcard information and send them home.”
From The Archives: Dillo Day 1896 Ends In Disaster After Theatre Troupe Knocks Over Candles
During the performance of a highly amusing skit in which the members of the troupe pretended to be people with practical professions, one of the Barnyard Boys tripped and knocked over the elaborate array of candles set up to provide illumination at that late hour.
A$AP Greg to Replace A$AP Ferg At Dillo Day
After it was announced yesterday A$AP Ferg would no longer be able to attend Dillo as he mourns the passing of his pet chihuahua Philip, a replacement was quickly found in rising rap sensation and Northwestern Physics Professor Gregory Smithson, better known by his stage name A$AP Greg. A$AP Greg was born on the mean streets of Wilmette, Illinois, is a divorcee with two adult daughters Julia and Kristin and drives a 2006 Toyota Corolla he calls Linda. Greg is
Crowd, in Unison, Says “Nice” After A$AP Ferg Says 69
“It makes me glad to know that 69 is still a powerful unifying force to this day.”
“Like This Message If” Messages Only Way Area Man Receives Love
“Arnold literally printed out a heart, stuck it on the wall, and asked me to caress it whenever he said something funny,” claimed Cole.
Professor Wonders If Students Are Receiving The Links To His Weekly Podcast
“It’s a shame, really, because they’ve missed out on so much thrilling content.”
Gotta Go Fast: Animators Rush to Overhaul Sonic Movie in Month-Long Adderall Bender
“I’m already on Adderall because I have ADHD,” said animator Ryan Fogel, “But I started crushing and snorting it, and oh my GOD it’s so much better!”
NBA Referee Assigns Technical Foul To Pregnant Woman For “Hiding Basketball”
The NBA Playoffs erupted into chaos Tuesday after a referee dished out a technical foul to Claire Rogers, a pregnant woman in the stands, for “hiding the basketball.” The incident, which has already been deemed the greatest misunderstanding sincethe Salem Witch Trials, began in the third quarterafter an erroneous pass found its way into the stands. Sources report that as the ref turned his head, he noticed a round woman whispering to her stomach over and over. He immediately blew