Sex Week To Be Followed By Herpes Simplex Week
“I’ve probably got more STIs than I can count, so it’s gonna be really cool to finally find out what some of them are called.”
Category Archives: Articles
CRU Gathers Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians and More for Rivaling “Sect Week”
“We just thought that Sect Week would be an amazing opportunity to enlighten students on the differences and similarities between the many branches of Christianity available for their perusing pleasure.”
Congratulations to local Second Grader Joshua Fairground for Swearing for the First Time
Though Joshua was ultimately grounded, it seems this incident may have created a future comedian.
NU Women’s Basketball Promised Real Basketball To Practice With Next Year
Women’s soccer is now insisting upon real cleats in lieu of university-issued stilettos.
ETHS Soccer Moms Disappointed To Learn The Facebook Group They Joined Is Actually A Northwestern “Me-me” Page
“The woman I thought was Danica, the bitch who brought GMO orange slices to practice last week, revealed herself to actually be some guy from Northwestern.”
William Barr Summary of “The Lorax” Shows No Evidence of Tree Cutting
Democratic congressman Adam Schiff, who has spent several months threatening to subpoena a complete copy of “The Lorax”, claimed Wednesday that Americans had a right to the unredacted copy.
Morty Threatens to Raise Tuition 3.6% for Every Game Basketball Team Loses
Northwestern Students across campus seem to agree that while the punishment is harsh, it’s the only way to get the basketball team to stop losing.
Morty To Become Fourth Jonas Brother In Order To Reduce Debt
At press time, Morty had reportedly compiled a list of potential stage names for himself, with the frontrunner being “Mo Jonas”.
Company Behind “Imperfect Fruit” Releases Follow-Up Product: “Rude Rice”
Imperfect Produce, the company that saved millions of fruits and vegetables that don’t conform to traditional fruit beauty standards from a life in a landfill, is back again with a new product. The company announced the release of “Rude Rice” earlier in the week. “Our new Rude Rice may not be as friendly as your average rice but we can guarantee that it tastes just as good!” said Imperfect Produce CEO Ginny Rice. However, those who have purchased Rude Rice
On International Women’s Day, Boss Made Sure to Call female Co-workers “Sweetie” to Let Them Know How Valued They Are
On International Women’s Day, local boss Mitchell Dawson made sure to call his female coworkers “sweetie” throughout the day.