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Tag Archives: Sex

Freshman Uncomfortable to Find Condom in Care Package

October 10, 2012 Tyler Daswick One comment

EVANSTON – As McCormick freshman Hank Crowley tore open the first care package sent from his parents, he was surprised to find that, under the bags of candy and boxes of pastries that he had requested, lay a single, individually-wrapped Trojan condom. When pushed for comment on whether he was expecting the rubber contraceptive to be present among his Reese’s Pieces and Blueberry Pop Tarts, Crowley said, “It was a little weird, because you think if Mom and Dad were

[His Campus] Reverse Engineering: Brassieres

May 28, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

This week, we’re addressing your most-requested issue: the mechanics of The Bra. It may be intimidating, but don’t let your inexperience supersede any opportunity to study this phenomena in the field. Today, we’re focusing on the first step, removal.

Scientists Debate Origins of Obama's Same Sex Marriage Stance

May 14, 2012 Alex Finkelstein

WASHINGTON – President Obama has stated that his views on same sex marriage are “evolving,” culminating in an interview where he announced his support for the practice. The scientific community has since been abuzz looking for theories as to why this transformation occurred. The first main camp contains the gradual evolutionists. Evolutionary Biologist William Smith summarized this position, saying, “Obama has had a long political career and has gradually adapted to a changing environment via natural selection.” He added, “Those

Secret Service Agent Takes 10 Shots Protecting the President

April 23, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Area Girl Skips Pretense, Just Dresses as a Slut

November 2, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

While her friends decided to go as traditional sexy characters like naughty nurses and French maids or wear nonsensical sexy inanimate object costumes, like a sexy Mrs. Potato Head or a slutty pumpkin, Engel made the bold decision to just go as a slut.

Northwestern Cancels Sex

May 18, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

“Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.”

Teens Not Having Enough Sex, Area Grandma Says

May 16, 2011 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

Bailey to Teach Introduction to the Unspeakably Obscene

April 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

The professor seeks “to open up a mature, academic dialogue about uncommon sexual practices . . . so blood-curdlingly unnatural they make Two Girls One Cup look like a Disney movie.”

Sex Week Paves Way for Abortion Month

April 20, 2011 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week. “Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”

Sex strike on Politicians in Belgium. Senators turn to mistresses.

March 4, 2011 Jay Calhoun One comment

BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached. At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.