Secret Service Agent Takes 10 Shots Protecting the President
Tag Archives: Sex
Area Girl Skips Pretense, Just Dresses as a Slut
While her friends decided to go as traditional sexy characters like naughty nurses and French maids or wear nonsensical sexy inanimate object costumes, like a sexy Mrs. Potato Head or a slutty pumpkin, Engel made the bold decision to just go as a slut.
Northwestern Cancels Sex
“Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.”
Teens Not Having Enough Sex, Area Grandma Says
Bailey to Teach Introduction to the Unspeakably Obscene
The professor seeks “to open up a mature, academic dialogue about uncommon sexual practices . . . so blood-curdlingly unnatural they make Two Girls One Cup look like a Disney movie.”
Sex Week Paves Way for Abortion Month
EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week. “Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”
Sex strike on Politicians in Belgium. Senators turn to mistresses.
BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached.  At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.
Statistician 95% Confident He Fucked Your Girlfriend
EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend. “I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,” Sylvan said. “I would really feel bad for you if I made a type two error.” The stated confidence interval is hand job< μ<three rounds of hot action on your desk, bed, and shower, respectively. “These things are tricky,” admits Sylvan. “You have to be wary
NU Student on Innuendo Overuse – “Stop shoving it down my throat”
EVANSTON—According to at least one Northwestern student, what you say is no longer what you mean. On a modern college campus, its seems that anything one says — no matter the topic, will be taken to be sexual in nature. Any statement, sentence, or phrase is assumed, at least by the more perverted members of the student body, to be referring to the act of making love and private parts. Thankfully, some students are just not going to take it
New ASB Sexual Tourism Trip Literally Serviced the Community
EVANSTON—A group of Northwestern students spent their spring break learning the ins and outs of community service on Alternative Student Breaks’ first sexual tourism trip. Students who signed up for the excursion had the opportunity to perform service at all 13 of ASB’s existing sites, in such exotic locales as Missouri and Kansas. “We wanted to be able to service as many communities as possible, so we decided to visit two sites a day. It was rigorous, but being able