Investigation Finds 6 Murder Allegations in Unread CTECs
“She just looked at me and said, ‘Deal with the grade you got or you’ll end up like the last one.’”
Monthly Archives: February 2018
Flipside Investigative Report: Where Do All the Uneaten Dining Hall Chickpeas Go?
Where do all the uneaten chickpeas go? A Qatar-based cryptocurrency is only the beginning of the story…
Payphone in Norris About to Activate Sleeper Agent
Every single person in Norris today is blissfully ignorant of what they, and all humanity, will soon experience.
Frat Guy Declares It “Year of the Doggy Style”
“We have only the finest and most authentic Chinese beer at this thing. If that doesn’t play out, pouring some soy sauce in Busch Light normally does the trick.”
NU Campus Tours to Eliminate Backwards Talking
“In our office, we always strive to make our tours inclusive, and today, that means including all those prospective students and their families that only understand forward-spoken English.”
Northwestern Career Advancement Feels Just As Shitty About Your Job Prospects As You Do
“I emailed evites for my dog’s birthday party after six glasses of wine. It’s not an exceptional skill!”
Study: Medill Undergraduates Have Lowest Soul-To-Body Ratio on Campus
“Our program strives to instill the values of public relations, media expertise, and heartless cynicism in all undergraduate students.”
Greenpeace Execs Keep 10% of All Whales They Save
“Do they mean, like, 10% of the population of whales? Or like, do they mean they get to keep a flipper or something?”
Report: Reflections in Kellogg Windows Look Like Your Ex
The glass ceiling in the atrium creates an image strikingly similar to your precious beau when they realized it wasn’t working between the two of you, and never would.
Northwestern to End Alchemy Program After 124 Years
After a string of recent controversies, Northwestern publicly announced that its infamous alchemy program will end not with a whimper, but with a bang. Citing an increasing number of students suffering chemical burns and various other injuries involving transmutation, Dean of Phrenological Studies and Alchemy Zanzar Pralzaban announced the cessation of the storied program in a press release delivered by three-eyed falcon. “We are sad to say we will go away,” Pralzaban said, reading directly from the release at a