Off-Campus Student Wonders if 10pm SafeRide Will Get Her to 8 am Class on Time
āUsually if I request my SafeRide at 10pm then it will get to my apartment by 7:55am and I can get to class only ten minutes late.ā
Students Rejoice! Morty Announces Lakefill 2, Which Finally Connects Us Directly to Gary, Indiana
Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiroās much-anticipated mystery announcement. Said Schapiro: āAfter considering our budget allocations, we realized that we werenāt putting enough towards our studentsā mental health. Thatās why weāre encouraging students to clear their heads with walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go āCats!ā Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of āLakefill
Sexually Frustrated Freshman Finally Finds Hookup, Out Of Socks To Put On Door
“I go through socks pretty fast because, uh, I change my socks a lot. Itās okay, though. November is coming up soon and Iāll try again then, because of No Nut ā shit, I mean, because the weather is cooler and my feet will sweat less. So, like, I wonāt need to change socks all the time,ā he clarified.
TRUMP IMPEACHED: That Got Your Attention, Huh Paula? Now Will You Please Let Me Talk to the Kids?
In a move preceded only twice in the history of this hallowed nation, House speaker Nancy Pelosi has begun the lengthy journey that could end in — Iām sorry, I canāt do this anymore, Paula pleaseĀ let me talk to the kids. Iāve made mistakes. I know that. Iām not blind to my faults, babe. But I shouldnāt have to get into college at 41, feign interest at the most tedious info meetings Iāve ever been to and go through the
Freshman Praying Willie the Wildcat Doesn’t Awaken Anything In Them
āI hate the Kansas State fans. They think their Willie is so great, but he doesnāt even have fur.ā He then added, ābut Iām not a furry.ā
Op-Ed: I thought Getting Laid would Solve all my Problems, and it did.
I was lazy, listless, and broken inside, but ever since our night (or really evening) of passion, my life has totally turned around. I got into not one, but two improv groups on campus.
Conversions to Judaism spike as Allison Kosher section rises in popularity
Foods deemed Kosher are prepared in accordance with Jewish law. Notable Kosher foods include locusts and human hair.
Op-Ed: No, Josh, I donāt have less friends because Iām a grammar geek…I have fewer friends
Josh, being a grammar geek doesnāt mean I have less friends. It means I have fewer friends.
Freshmen From the South Feel That Theyāre Handling the Current Cold Temperatures Well
āI donāt even own a pair of pants, unless my silk romper counts. But, once I get cold, I canāt even feel my legs or arms anymore so itās not too big of a deal.ā
Margot Lee Shetterly Cancels Campus Visit After Admitting She Didnāt Read Hidden Figures
āI didnāt know if I was really supposed to read it or not.ā Shetterly said. āBut then I started getting more and more emails about it towards the end of the summer and I kinda freaked out, so I decided to just not read it. Also, since when are books like 200 pages?ā