Plex Out of Dinnerware Again, Encourages Students to Eat on Floor With Their Hands
Blood mixed with yogurt as students clawed and growled at each other over the food Plex employees were dumping directly onto the tile.
“If you can read, you can do research” Posters Around Campus Discriminate Against Illiterates
You know, I can sound out words âcause of English 105, but for some NU students, this poster is like a punch in the balls. Itâs not a PC at all, bra.
Pessimistic Student Will Just Occasionally Yell âSafety Schoolâ At Visiting Ohio State
With the mighty Ohio State Buckeyes set to visit Northwestern on Friday evening, many students found themselves pessimistic, and in some cases completely resigned to defeat. But for one Medill sophomore, pessimism wasnât a barrier to doing what she loves: putting down her opponentâs intellect. âI know our odds donât look too great,â slurred Northwestern University sophomore Joanna Booth, in line outside of the student entrance at Ryan Field. âBut thereâs always a solution that makes us look really, really
Students Rejoice! Morty Announces Lakefill 2, Which Finally Connects Us Directly to Gary, Indiana
At long last, once the new Lakefill is constructed, students will be able to easily access Gary, Indiana for a long-overdue new college town experience.
Forgotten Freshman Survives on Allison Dining Hall Second Floor by Eating Class of â23 Shirt
Police investigators breathed a sigh of relief last Tuesday after discovering Beinen freshman James Chavez in the second floor loft area of Allison dining hall, surrounded by scraps of the purple Class of 2023 shirt that he had consumed in order to stay alive. âWe found the student heaped in the corner shirtless, experiencing extreme indigestion from eating his clothing,â said Special Investigator Linda Forsythe, who headed the search team that was formed after Chavezâs Peer Advisor Ryan DeShields noted
Off-Campus Student Wonders if 10pm SafeRide Will Get Her to 8 am Class on Time
âUsually if I request my SafeRide at 10pm then it will get to my apartment by 7:55am and I can get to class only ten minutes late.â
Students Rejoice! Morty Announces Lakefill 2, Which Finally Connects Us Directly to Gary, Indiana
Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiroâs much-anticipated mystery announcement. Said Schapiro: âAfter considering our budget allocations, we realized that we werenât putting enough towards our studentsâ mental health. Thatâs why weâre encouraging students to clear their heads with walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go âCats!â Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of âLakefill
Sexually Frustrated Freshman Finally Finds Hookup, Out Of Socks To Put On Door
“I go through socks pretty fast because, uh, I change my socks a lot. Itâs okay, though. November is coming up soon and Iâll try again then, because of No Nut â shit, I mean, because the weather is cooler and my feet will sweat less. So, like, I wonât need to change socks all the time,â he clarified.
TRUMP IMPEACHED: That Got Your Attention, Huh Paula? Now Will You Please Let Me Talk to the Kids?
In a move preceded only twice in the history of this hallowed nation, House speaker Nancy Pelosi has begun the lengthy journey that could end in — Iâm sorry, I canât do this anymore, Paula please let me talk to the kids. Iâve made mistakes. I know that. Iâm not blind to my faults, babe. But I shouldnât have to get into college at 41, feign interest at the most tedious info meetings Iâve ever been to and go through the
Freshman Praying Willie the Wildcat Doesn’t Awaken Anything In Them
âI hate the Kansas State fans. They think their Willie is so great, but he doesnât even have fur.â He then added, âbut Iâm not a furry.â