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Students Rejoice! Morty Announces Lakefill 2, Which Finally Connects Us Directly to Gary, Indiana

October 17, 2019 Flippy Leave a comment

Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiro’s much-anticipated mystery announcement. Said Schapiro: “After considering our budget allocations, we realized that we weren’t putting enough towards our students’ mental health. That’s why we’re encouraging students to clear their heads with walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go ‘Cats!” Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of “Lakefill

Freshman Praying Willie the Wildcat Doesn’t Awaken Anything In Them

October 15, 2019 Flippy Leave a comment

“I hate the Kansas State fans. They think their Willie is so great, but he doesn’t even have fur.” He then added, “but I’m not a furry.”

Read more Featured, Headline, Local, Sports, Year 12

Conversions to Judaism spike as Allison Kosher section rises in popularity

October 14, 2019 Flippy Leave a comment

Foods deemed Kosher are prepared in accordance with Jewish law. Notable Kosher foods include locusts and human hair.

Freshmen From the South Feel That They’re Handling the Current Cold Temperatures Well

October 14, 2019 Flippy Leave a comment

“I don’t even own a pair of pants, unless my silk romper counts. But, once I get cold, I can’t even feel my legs or arms anymore so it’s not too big of a deal.”

Margot Lee Shetterly Cancels Campus Visit After Admitting She Didn’t Read Hidden Figures

October 13, 2019 Flippy Leave a comment

“I didn’t know if I was really supposed to read it or not.” Shetterly said. “But then I started getting more and more emails about it towards the end of the summer and I kinda freaked out, so I decided to just not read it. Also, since when are books like 200 pages?”

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Local, Year 12

Mayfest: “We’ll Just Throw Drunk People in the Lake, OK??”

May 30, 2019 Flippy Leave a comment

“After the event, we can just take a big net and scoop everybody into it. Just grab each person’s Wildcard information and send them home.”

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Local, No. 283

Gotta Go Fast: Animators Rush to Overhaul Sonic Movie in Month-Long Adderall Bender

May 22, 2019 Flippy One comment

“I’m already on Adderall because I have ADHD,” said animator Ryan Fogel, “But I started crushing and snorting it, and oh my GOD it’s so much better!”

Read more Entertainment, No. 282, Sci/Tech

NBA Referee Assigns Technical Foul To Pregnant Woman For “Hiding Basketball”

May 21, 2019 Flippy Leave a comment

The NBA Playoffs erupted into chaos Tuesday after a referee dished out a technical foul to Claire Rogers, a pregnant woman in the stands, for “hiding the basketball.” The incident, which has already been deemed the greatest misunderstanding sincethe Salem Witch Trials, began in the third quarterafter an erroneous pass found its way into the stands. Sources report that as the ref turned his head, he noticed a round woman whispering to her stomach over and over. He immediately blew

Read more Featured, Headline, No. 282, Sports

Crushes and Confessions: @NUCrush allows Kyle from your Discussion Section to Sexually Harass you Anonymously

May 20, 2019 Flippy Leave a comment

Some of Kyle’s posts include the time he described you as “thicker than a bowl of oatmeal,” or when he said he would “straight up smash [your] ass like Meta Knight.”

Mel Gibson’s Veggietales reboot to focus on how the Jews betrayed Jesus

May 15, 2019 Flippy Leave a comment

Mel’s “singular vision” is making Veggietales into a series hyper focused on the way “those damn Jews sold out the King of Kings”.

Read more Entertainment, Featured, No. 281, Religion

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