Freshman Praying Willie the Wildcat Doesn’t Awaken Anything In Them
“I hate the Kansas State fans. They think their Willie is so great, but he doesn’t even have fur.” He then added, “but I’m not a furry.”
Author Archives: Flippy
Conversions to Judaism spike as Allison Kosher section rises in popularity
Foods deemed Kosher are prepared in accordance with Jewish law. Notable Kosher foods include locusts and human hair.
Freshmen From the South Feel That They’re Handling the Current Cold Temperatures Well
“I don’t even own a pair of pants, unless my silk romper counts. But, once I get cold, I can’t even feel my legs or arms anymore so it’s not too big of a deal.”
Margot Lee Shetterly Cancels Campus Visit After Admitting She Didn’t Read Hidden Figures
“I didn’t know if I was really supposed to read it or not.” Shetterly said. “But then I started getting more and more emails about it towards the end of the summer and I kinda freaked out, so I decided to just not read it. Also, since when are books like 200 pages?”
Mayfest: “We’ll Just Throw Drunk People in the Lake, OK??”
“After the event, we can just take a big net and scoop everybody into it. Just grab each person’s Wildcard information and send them home.”
Gotta Go Fast: Animators Rush to Overhaul Sonic Movie in Month-Long Adderall Bender
“I’m already on Adderall because I have ADHD,” said animator Ryan Fogel, “But I started crushing and snorting it, and oh my GOD it’s so much better!”
NBA Referee Assigns Technical Foul To Pregnant Woman For “Hiding Basketball”
The NBA Playoffs erupted into chaos Tuesday after a referee dished out a technical foul to Claire Rogers, a pregnant woman in the stands, for “hiding the basketball.” The incident, which has already been deemed the greatest misunderstanding sincethe Salem Witch Trials, began in the third quarterafter an erroneous pass found its way into the stands. Sources report that as the ref turned his head, he noticed a round woman whispering to her stomach over and over. He immediately blew
Crushes and Confessions: @NUCrush allows Kyle from your Discussion Section to Sexually Harass you Anonymously
Some of Kyle’s posts include the time he described you as “thicker than a bowl of oatmeal,” or when he said he would “straight up smash [your] ass like Meta Knight.”
Mel Gibson’s Veggietales reboot to focus on how the Jews betrayed Jesus
Mel’s “singular vision” is making Veggietales into a series hyper focused on the way “those damn Jews sold out the King of Kings”.
Endgame Ticket Sales Plummet After New Multi-Factor Authentication Requirement
“The entire process is really very simple,” explained a confused Cinemark representative, “we just send you a notification through the Duo app, drop you an quick email, ask you to fill out a supplementary google form, and confirm your identity through carrier pigeon. Everything is for your own security!”