Sears Rebrands Itself As “Willis,” Still Bankrupt
“We thought, ‘No, let’s keep everything completely identical. Just change the name. That’ll get the people going.’”
Author Archives: Flippy
Idiot Freshman Can’t Find Building
“I guess it’s early and I’m still finding my way around,” White said, as if that were actually a thing.
“‘Perjury’ Is the Name of a Drinking Game,” Explains Kavanaugh
In an interview with ABC News today, Justice Brett Kavanaugh explained that the “Perjury” mentioned in his high school yearbook is a drinking game and not a felony.
Rest of Clubs Fair Horrified by Mathletes’ ‘Slave Leia’ Recruiting Tactic
The presence of Slave Leia led to more interest in their organization than ever before, with over 400 signups to their listserv and 75 phone numbers given directly to “Leia.”
Joey Bada$$ to Join 2018 Dillo Lineup
Reports from Mayfest sources indicate that Joey Badass will join Daniel Caesar, Whitney, and Young the Giant in the lineup for Dillo Day on June 2.
Morty Embezzles Endowment Money to Buy All the Samosas Outside Tech
“I noticed Morty barreling down the sidewalk on a forklift that must have been holding at least a thousand samosas. He had a very guilty look on his face, and he gave me $6,000 dollars for promising not to tell anyone.”
NU Sex Week Shrinkage Attributed To The Cold
“It’s not usually like this. It just seems smaller because the cold forced us to cancel some events, I swear.”
PHA Bans Ritual Sacrifice of Ugliest Rushee This Year
“So, like, okay. The idea is that by burning a girl at the stake we’re making her sort of like a phoenix, where she dies all weak and gross but rises from the ashes in the image of sorority excellence.”
Morty Finally Breaks Chastity Vows
‘Honestly, he’s been trying to break them since 2002. We’ll see how it goes now.’
Frat Guy Declares It “Year of the Doggy Style”
“We have only the finest and most authentic Chinese beer at this thing. If that doesn’t play out, pouring some soy sauce in Busch Light normally does the trick.”