University Answers Mental Health Pleas, Hands Out Adult Coloring Books, Gold Star Stickers
“I wouldn’t have minded more Kleenex, and maybe a little bit of Prozac, but I can’t complain.”
Author Archives: Flippy
Heartbreaking! Hot Guy in Your English Class Caught Pulling Down Mask Not Actually Hot
“Ladies, take him swimming on the first date so you can see what he looks like without a mask.”
University Rolls Out Squid Game-Style Competition to Secure Spot on CAPS Waitlist
“We’re eliminating so much more than just students,” one local administrator explains. “We’re eliminating the stigma around mental health here on campus. We’re doing real work here.”
Willard Residents Have “Night of Their Lives” After Drinking 2 Truly’s and Singing Showtunes by the Piano
Reports indicate that this party, which lasted through the night (2 AM), was more of a celebration of the theatre (“pronounced thee-ate-her, you classless hack!”), and definitely not a one-up contest of who was the better Tevye in their high school’s production of Fiddler on the Roof.
Ask Flippy: Does she like me, or did she just need the dryer empty?
Before I knew it, I had run out of cool gay fits to showcase
Northwestern Implements New Rectal COVID Testing
Northwestern Administration figured there may as well be an enjoyable experience at the end of the long-ass wait.
The Rock Revealed to be Kidney Stone Passed by Mr. Medill
“I lost a good amount of blood that night. I was ready to put it behind me. And now you nerds are painting it for acapella auditions.”
‘You Matter,’ says President Schapiro as he Snarfs Down Hotdog Number Three of Welcome Back Speech
“Our team has worked very hard on today’s lunch menu and we hope it will help to foster a brighter, more vibrant community,” he said, while reaching into his coat pocket for a hotdog.
Students Release Collective Sigh Of Relief After University Acknowledges “Strange And Unprecedented Times”
“It’s just really nice to know they care, you know? To know that they recognize how hard this has all been.”
Thanks to Donation from Ryan Family, NU Football Can Lose in a More Expensive Stadium
“If we’re going to stand a chance against Minnesota and Michigan, we’re going to have to spend more on our stadium,” said defensive lineman Hugo Bigman.