Long-Distance Couple Schedules Asynchronous Date Night
“She eats lunch when I eat dinner, and when she texts me goodnight I’ve been asleep for hours, so I’ve started recording our date nights ahead of time.”
Category Archives: Archives
Local Man Disappointed He Can No Longer Shape His Entire Identity Around His Residential College
“Plus, when my professors asked me to introduce myself, I was so used to saying, ‘I’m Artie Jones and I live in Willard,’” said Jones. “It was tragic to have to say, ‘I’m Artie and I live in…Los Angeles.’”
Report: 79% of Zoom Discussion Sections Still Silent After Students Forced to Unmute Mics
Unfortunately, the researchers were unable to find any students willing to speak to the reasons why they don’t speak up more.
Quarantined 5th Grader Accidentally Calls Mom ‘Teacher’
“It’s so embarrassing how I mistakenly thought the woman who birthed me, nursed me, and raised me was my professional educator.”
Local Woman Blames Acne on Zoom Breakout Rooms
“It’s obviously the bad vibes of the breakout rooms that are conjuring acne on my face.”
New Rick Riordan Novel Says Hitler was Son of Apollo
A reviewer for the New York Times wrote, “Riordan’s new novel adventures into the past to chronicle the demigods that influenced WWII. Making Hitler the son of the god of light is certainly an interesting and unique idea in historical fiction.”
Teen Supports Decision to Reopen America after Mother Finishes Third James Patterson Novel this Week
Until recently, local teenager Jenny Dorn was an avid supporter of the government’s decision to continue the coronavirus lockdown until scientists declare that a slow reopening can safely begin. However, she had a change of heart after her mother finished reading her third James Patterson novel this week. “Like most socially-conscious teens of my age, I thought that ending the lockdown within the near future would be disastrous,” Dorn wrote in a widely shared Change.org petition. “Then my mom cracked
BrewBike Declared Nonessential Business During Pandemic, But Also Just in General
“We are requiring BrewBike to close its stores in Evanston immediately because it is not essential now nor has it ever been essential”
First Half of CDC Meeting Just Rose Bud Thorn
“We were totally gonna get to the whole testing kit thing, but Brandon brought up the point that ending on a thorn lets bad energy into the room,”
Oedipal Arrangement Terrible Mother’s Day Gift
“When she finally woke me up and I saw her in lingerie, I nearly stabbed my eyes out.”