Responding to Sadness that $5 Tuesday is Over, Morty Launches Invest $5 in Fossil Fuels Friday
“We are always looking for more ways to engage the student body in capitalist brainwashing.”
Category Archives: Archives
New Study Reveals 90% of Men Have Biological Need to “Just Add Onto That Point”
The study, conducted amongst top-ten ranking schools in collaboration with the Collective of United Mansplainers (CUM), revealed interesting neurological and physiological responses triggered in the male brain.
Color Sends 3 AM Text to Entire Student Body: “You’re Four Days Behind On Your Testing Schedule, Are We Still A Thing?”
“I’ve seen them with someone named NAVICA a lot recently, and I’m worried about our relationship,” said Color. “I heard she goes a lot deeper than me.”
Soul Stuck In Purgatory After Failing To Show Symptom Tracker At The Gates Of Heaven
Trax informed the gatekeepers of their problem, but was told there was nothing that could be done. “It was ridiculous!” said Trax. “They totally could have just asked me those questions right then and there, but nooo, they needed to see a green badge.”
Op-Ed: Top 10 Senses I Acquired after Chewing 5-Gum
Everyone loves that feeling when they have honey all over their hands. I get to have that feeling all the time! Thanks, 5-Gum!
Breaking: Little Paper Straw Wrapper Worm Things From When You Did That Thing with the Water from the Straw Now Sentient, Seeking Revenge and Dehydration
Attention humans!
Biden Rejects Student Loan Forgiveness Plan, Salty Because He Just Finished Paying His Student Loans
For decades, Biden has been spotted working weekends at Sunglass Hut, presumably to pick up some extra cash. It is unclear whether or not he will continue working now that his loans are paid off.
Op-Ed: I Will Be Suing Northwestern Because My Marriage Pact Didn’t Propose On Valentine’s Day
9:14 P.M. Wednesday. November 25th. I’ll never forget receiving that fateful email: “Your optimal Northwestern Marriage Pact match is…” When I opened the email, I initially thought it was a joke–I mean, we only had 69.420% compatibility! And I’d never even heard of this guy. I mean, “Chad Fratman”?? Sounded totally fake. But Chad messaged me almost immediately, saying, “Hey bby girl u got snap” accompanied by a picture of a really cute thumb in a turtleneck. So, of course, I immediately
I Prefer Meeting People the Old-Fashioned Way, by Hiding Inside the Hall Washing Machine Until Someone Needs to Use It
“Long ago, our ancestors bided their time by their schools’ washing machines, riding out spin cycle after spin cycle in the hopes that their perfect match would need to wash their delicates and fill a void in their life too.”
The Gibby Effect: iCarly’s Return to Netflix Causes Increase in Wacky Hijinks, Tween Fatalities
A #shirtlessGibby trend has gone viral on TikTok with tweens imitating this war cry in varying degrees of undress and sweatiness. The trend has become so popular, some Gen Z scholars have even dubbed it “the next planking.”