Op-Ed: Chester Cheetah Lowered His Sunglasses and I Was Smote with the Holy Gaze of God
Words cannot describe what I saw or felt in that moment. It was like someone had stabbed Hot Cheetos directly into my eyesâmy brainâmy soul.
Category Archives: Featured
Three Undergrads in a Trench Coat Attempt to Walk into Kellogg
âI asked the kid on top why he was nine feet tall,â Marty continued. âHe stuttered for a bit before responding that it was some sort of hormonal imbalance. He also kept going on about how he was pursuing a Masters in âMoneyâ in order to support âlocal businessesâ like VibeQuest and The Table.â
New A24 Coming Age of Film Set to Feature DaBaby as DaAntagonist
DaBaby was asked for comment, but he merely shouted âLETâS GOOOOO!â
From the Archives: Young Girl Collapses From Too Much Deliberation About Whether To Wear the Arctic Monkeys AM Shirt with Black Tights or the Lorde Shirt with Gray Tights to Show Lucas From Language Arts That Sheâs Not Like Other Girls
âI was trying to find the perfect outfit to show Lucas from language arts that Iâm, like, totally random and adorkable!â
Professorâs Shirt Oddly Wet, Refuses to Address It
Even after the mysterious liquid started to drip onto Ockwerdâs Original Macbook Pro, he made no mention of the trail of sludge coating his âRight Twice a Dayâ handouts.
Dining Hall Sign Worryingly Deems Bananas Are âNow Spider-Freeâ
âSo what, they were giving us fucking spider-filled bananas this whole time and theyâre just NOW telling us? Iâm disgusted.â
Compass Group Offers NU Dining Union Print-outs of NU Flipside Articles as Health Plan
Unfortunately, the articles were so life-threateningly unfunny, they are thought to have been able to transmit dysentery.
After Substantial Anonymous Donation, All NU Students Must Change Own Names to âRyanâ
âNot only will every student, professor and administrator be required to change their first and last names to âRyan,â this is now Ryan University, in Ryan, Illinois, and we only have one major â Ryan.â
Tragic! Sophomore Forgets Classes Are in Person, Whips Out Dick in Discussion.
We were going over Come Slowly – Eden by Dickinson, when suddenly Richard pulled it out and came fast
Disturbing New Study Shows Placing Head Inside Running Microwave Oven May Be Linked to Cancer
Putting oneâs head inside a running microwave could allegedly, maybe, possibly cause cancer.