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Category Archives: Local

[NU Spork] Sargent Grill Line “Worse Than the DMV”

December 4, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Due to the seasonal decline in temperature, many students are becoming less adventurous when deciding where to go for dinner. Since everyone knows Elder sucks, the entirety of North Campus has been flocking to Sargent’s dining hall around 6PM every weeknight. The most popular of Sargent’s dining options is the grill, which, on account of its popularity, frequently has a line rivaling the 3PM Norbucks rush. McCormick sophomore Clare Sullivan declared, “Ugh, this line is worse than the

[NU Spork] Norbucks’ Barista Training Faces Criticism

December 2, 2012 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON — The Starbucks in Norris Student Center, popularly known as “Norbucks,” recently announced it is now hiring new baristas; the training program is slated to last from now until forever. In efforts to employ more students, Norbucks will continue to hire inexperienced applicants and provide them with valuable job skills such as defrosting pound cake and differentiating between tall and small. The program is under criticism from various sororities, such as Quad-Delt, whose chapter president said Norbucks’ poor customer

[NU Spork] NU Cuisine Announces “Palestine Recognition” Meal

December 1, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Continuing their long tradition of commemorating every ethnic event with a mildly offensive meal, NU Cuisine announced that Allison Hall will have a Palestine-themed meal to celebrate their recent recognition by the UN. The decision has caused some division among students. The Kosher station will rightfully become a Palestine station, according to Sodexo. Food will include Gaza chicken strips, cease-fire grilled burgers, and hummus on everything. NU Cuisine will divide Allison into three quadrants: the Israeli main room,

Fraternity Holds Intervention for Brother Suffering From Sex Addiction

November 27, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

EVANSTON — The members of Theta Eta Zeta fraternity held an intervention this week for their brother, Cameron Cordell, who is suffering from a chronic sex addiction. “Cam has the curse of being the man at everything he does, and regrettably this applies to sex,” said fraternity president Wesley Timmons. “We need to be with him in this time of need.” The brothers called a meeting last week to sit down with Cameron, and let him know what they were

More Time Spent Talking to Family Pets than Family

November 22, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WILMETTE, IL — While attending a Thanksgiving dinner at his cousins’ house, Northwestern Sophomore Ryan Mayled reportedly spent more time talking to his hosts’ pet dogs than to any of his distant relatives. By playing tug-of-war with the two aging Boston Terriers, Mayled successfully managed to avoid even a single venture into the living room where relatives from across the state had assembled to watch football, drink spiced apple cider, and enjoy each other’s company. Following an incredibly awkward dinner

2013 Sorority Recruitment to be Run by USSR

November 21, 2012 Michael Guenzl One comment

EVANSTON — Freshmen girls were stunned when sorority Preview Day turned into something resembling a scene from 1984. Freshman Stephanie Feldman “had… no idea that… the USSR had infiltrated parts… of American culture,” pausing a few times to look over her shoulder for undercover sorority members. Feldman later tried to complain to her friends about the rigid and ridiculous nature of the event, but she was snatched away by mysterious women in black ski masks before her sentence could be

Norris Staff Sick and Tired of Finding New Frames for Big Ten Room

November 20, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON — As the Big Ten Conference welcomed University of Maryland as its thirteenth member, members of Norris staff were heard complaining about the consequential decoration updates to the Big Ten Room. The meeting space, located on the first floor of Norris Student Center, features stunning views of Lake Michigan and walls decorated with picture frames of memorabilia from Big Ten member schools. Most recently, a framed poster of University of Nebraska was added when the school joined the conference

Ski Trip Sign-Ups Skyrocket Following Tuesday’s Election Results

November 14, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Voters in Colorado passed Amendment 64 on Nov. 6, legalizing the use of recreational marijuana throughout the state. As a result, sign-ups for Northwestern’s annual ski trip to Steamboat, Colorado have significantly increased. Local experts, like Freshman stoner Graham Baker, attempted to explain the direct correlation between signing up and weed with a nifty line graph, but got distracted by his fingers as he moved them in an upward diagonal motion. Baker told Flipside reporters, “Yeah, I was

Sororities Raise Standards on Preview Day

November 12, 2012 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern’s Panhellenic Association made changes to the sorority recruitment process prior to Preview Day this Sunday. Delta Delta Delta Delta Chapter President Kate Denning said, “More and more girls are going Greek, and chapters are changing how they look at their future sisters. Ten years ago, even a brunette would get a bid from Quad-Delt, but now that approximately 40% of girls here are Greek, we’re raising our standards.” Sororities are adding new elements to the rush process,

Premed Still Unsure Who Won Election

November 11, 2012 Zoe Pearl Leave a comment

SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN THE RECESSES OF TECH — After spending all of Tuesday night in Tech Library studying for his Orgo midterm, freshman Justin Forster emerged earlier today completely unaware of who won the presidential election. “Oh shit,” said a disheveled Forster when reached for comment. “I-I guess I was so worried about [studying] that I just completely forgot [the election] was happening. I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in there for.” Forster went on to explain that