Category Archives: Local

Ski Trip Sign-Ups Skyrocket Following Tuesday’s Election Results

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EVANSTON — Voters in Colorado passed Amendment 64 on Nov. 6, legalizing the use of recreational marijuana throughout the state. As a result, sign-ups for Northwestern’s annual ski trip to Steamboat, Colorado have significantly increased. Local experts, like Freshman stoner Graham Baker, attempted to explain the direct correlation between signing up and weed with a nifty line graph, but got distracted by his fingers as he moved them in an upward diagonal motion. Baker told Flipside reporters, “Yeah, I was

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Sororities Raise Standards on Preview Day

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EVANSTON — Northwestern’s Panhellenic Association made changes to the sorority recruitment process prior to Preview Day this Sunday. Delta Delta Delta Delta Chapter President Kate Denning said, “More and more girls are going Greek, and chapters are changing how they look at their future sisters. Ten years ago, even a brunette would get a bid from Quad-Delt, but now that approximately 40% of girls here are Greek, we’re raising our standards.” Sororities are adding new elements to the rush process,

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Premed Still Unsure Who Won Election

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SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN THE RECESSES OF TECH — After spending all of Tuesday night in Tech Library studying for his Orgo midterm, freshman Justin Forster emerged earlier today completely unaware of who won the presidential election. “Oh shit,” said a disheveled Forster when reached for comment. “I-I guess I was so worried about [studying] that I just completely forgot [the election] was happening. I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in there for.” Forster went on to explain that

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Student Groups Reject Study Suggesting Sidewalk Flyers are Ineffective

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EVANSTON — A Psychology Department study shocked Northwestern student groups this week with the controversial claim that taping advertisements to the ground is not an effective way to market a club, cause, or event. For decades now, Northwestern students have been paving sidewalks with flimsy, exposed, and flamboyant pieces of paper. For the first time in Northwestern history, students are questioning the status quo and boldly considering whether they should continue to litter the streets with their short-lived posters. Some

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Study: 70 Percent of Off-Campus Fraternity Members Malnourished

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EVANSTON — One anthropologist and one Greek professor announced Tuesday that a four-year study shockingly revealed that 70 percent of off-campus fraternity members were severely malnourished. Their vitamin intake compared closely with the average citizen of Zambia, according to the study. “We had no idea it was this bad,” said anthropology professor Ben Harris. “It was as if they had not learned anything about caring for themselves since exiting the womb.” According to the study, most subjects, around noon and

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“Homeless Joe” Definitely Going To Rush

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EVANSTON — Northwestern fraternities have recently begun their weekly tradition of Sunday night dinners, and hundreds of freshman have attended to get free food and flirt with frat brothers. The race for bids has begun, and one freshman has emerged as the top recruit. Nicknamed “Homeless Joe,” this enterprising, genial, and most of all hungry freshman has been sighted at nearly every single frat and dinner. Reports say Joe usually arrives at the frats alone, but he does bring his

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Sorority’s BYE Game Tailgate a “Big Success”

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EVANSTON — Delta Delta Delta Delta reported to The Flipside that their tailgate before Saturday’s football game was a “big success.” Chapter president Andrea Gulotta bubbled, “There were so many people there! We had some drinks, played a little catch, grilled on the porch. We sure showed BYE that the Wildcats are for real this year. Go ‘Cats!” Although Gulotta was unable to recall the exact score of the game—she said she left Ryan Field around halftime—she was sure Northwestern

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Facing Extinction, Last Remaining SESP Students Placed Into Protective Captivity

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EVANSTON — Confronting ever-dwindling numbers, School of Education and Social Policy Dean Penelope Peterson decided on Friday to transfer all remaining students into sheltered habitats. Despite being the most transferred-into school at Northwestern, the number of SESP students has dropped to a dangerous low; experts say the rare breed is now critically endangered. The decision was spurred by widespread reports of legitimate colleges “poaching” SESP students. Northwestern ecologist and activist Brenda Grombel described the situation, “What these people do is

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New Student Declares Ridiculous Majors Just to Sound Smart

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EVANSTON — Ramon Gonzalez, a previously an undecided Weinberg freshman, has declared a triple major in Nanoscale Physics, Mathematics, and Euphonium Performance. In addition, he has declared a minor in Chinese Language and Culture and intends to pursue the Integrated Marketing Communications Certificate from Medill. According to reports, Gonzalez chose this path in order to sound more intelligent than his peers even though he most likely is not. Ramon stated, “I was tired of going to frat parties and to

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Student Sentiment Divided Over New College Sweatshirt Ban

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EVANSTON — Northwestern students and faculty received an emergency campus alert Tuesday from President Schapiro that stated, “As of November 1, 2012, students will no longer be permitted to wear college sweatshirts or any other apparel that displays the name of any school in the top 50 of US News & World Report’s annual college rankings, excluding Northwestern.” General student sentiment indicates a clear divide between former early decision and regular decision applicants. “ZOMG, Morty is actually a god. Like, finally

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