Category Archives: Local

Student Groups Reject Study Suggesting Sidewalk Flyers are Ineffective

One comment

EVANSTON — A Psychology Department study shocked Northwestern student groups this week with the controversial claim that taping advertisements to the ground is not an effective way to market a club, cause, or event. For decades now, Northwestern students have been paving sidewalks with flimsy, exposed, and flamboyant pieces of paper. For the first time in Northwestern history, students are questioning the status quo and boldly considering whether they should continue to litter the streets with their short-lived posters. Some

Read more Local, No. 92

Study: 70 Percent of Off-Campus Fraternity Members Malnourished

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — One anthropologist and one Greek professor announced Tuesday that a four-year study shockingly revealed that 70 percent of off-campus fraternity members were severely malnourished. Their vitamin intake compared closely with the average citizen of Zambia, according to the study. “We had no idea it was this bad,” said anthropology professor Ben Harris. “It was as if they had not learned anything about caring for themselves since exiting the womb.” According to the study, most subjects, around noon and

Read more Local, No. 92

“Homeless Joe” Definitely Going To Rush

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern fraternities have recently begun their weekly tradition of Sunday night dinners, and hundreds of freshman have attended to get free food and flirt with frat brothers. The race for bids has begun, and one freshman has emerged as the top recruit. Nicknamed “Homeless Joe,” this enterprising, genial, and most of all hungry freshman has been sighted at nearly every single frat and dinner. Reports say Joe usually arrives at the frats alone, but he does bring his

Read more Local, No. 91

Sorority’s BYE Game Tailgate a “Big Success”

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Delta Delta Delta Delta reported to The Flipside that their tailgate before Saturday’s football game was a “big success.” Chapter president Andrea Gulotta bubbled, “There were so many people there! We had some drinks, played a little catch, grilled on the porch. We sure showed BYE that the Wildcats are for real this year. Go ‘Cats!” Although Gulotta was unable to recall the exact score of the game—she said she left Ryan Field around halftime—she was sure Northwestern

Read more Local, No. 92, Sports

Facing Extinction, Last Remaining SESP Students Placed Into Protective Captivity

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Confronting ever-dwindling numbers, School of Education and Social Policy Dean Penelope Peterson decided on Friday to transfer all remaining students into sheltered habitats. Despite being the most transferred-into school at Northwestern, the number of SESP students has dropped to a dangerous low; experts say the rare breed is now critically endangered. The decision was spurred by widespread reports of legitimate colleges “poaching” SESP students. Northwestern ecologist and activist Brenda Grombel described the situation, “What these people do is

Read more Local, No. 91

New Student Declares Ridiculous Majors Just to Sound Smart

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Ramon Gonzalez, a previously an undecided Weinberg freshman, has declared a triple major in Nanoscale Physics, Mathematics, and Euphonium Performance. In addition, he has declared a minor in Chinese Language and Culture and intends to pursue the Integrated Marketing Communications Certificate from Medill. According to reports, Gonzalez chose this path in order to sound more intelligent than his peers even though he most likely is not. Ramon stated, “I was tired of going to frat parties and to

Read more Local, No. 91

Student Sentiment Divided Over New College Sweatshirt Ban

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern students and faculty received an emergency campus alert Tuesday from President Schapiro that stated, “As of November 1, 2012, students will no longer be permitted to wear college sweatshirts or any other apparel that displays the name of any school in the top 50 of US News & World Report’s annual college rankings, excluding Northwestern.” General student sentiment indicates a clear divide between former early decision and regular decision applicants. “ZOMG, Morty is actually a god. Like, finally

Read more Local, No. 91

Tennessee Freshman Learns True Meaning of Halloween

One comment

EVANSTON — Bienen Freshman Tricia Williams, originally from Maryville, Tennessee, recently learned the true meaning of Halloween. After talking to some students from the Chicago area (really Wilmette and Naperville), Williams was shocked to buy priligy online without prescription learn that her previous beliefs about Halloween were absolutely and completely wrong. She said, “I thought costumes were about being someone other than yourself. Instead of just asking, ‘What are you going to be?’ people here ask, ‘How much clothing are

Read more Local, No. 91

Police Arrest ‘78 Alumna for “Tryna Get Shwasty” at Homecoming

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Eileen Schneider, WCAS ’78, was arrested this weekend for belligerent behavior and public indecency during a homecoming event on Deering Meadow, according to new reports from the Evanston Police Department. She had been yelling obscenities across the meadow and flashing gentlemen coming in and out of Kellogg. Schneider was stunned by her arrest and by the harsh campus rules that have “poisoned this university.” “I was just tryna get a little shwasty up on Sheridan,” Schneider said as

Read more Local, No. 91

Asshole Frat Brother Secretly Loves Telling People to Take a Lap

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Reports stemming from the Rho chapter of the Tappa Tappa Keg fraternity indicate that brother Ben Nickerson, a Weinberg junior, secretly loves turning people away from the fraternity’s numerous events and social engagements. “Just the look on these people’s faces when you tell them to walk around the block, it’s hysterical,” said Nickerson, casually lounging on the house porch, Solo cup in hand. “They look like you just told them Christmas is cancelled. They just don’t believe they

Read more Local, No. 90
« Older Entries Recent Entries »