“I hate my major now and my PA group hasn’t responded to my last five messages in the old GroupMe, so I figured attending this event of my own free will was as good a cry for help as any.”
“Ellen has really been around the block, man. I’m still shook over what she had to do to get that brownie mix for our fundraiser reimbursed.”
“Hey, it’s still a Northwestern dorm, isn’t it? We said you have to live on campus for two years, but we never specified which campus.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, please tell me this isn’t happening,” Jason Rothman (WCAS ’19) said as he shook his head in dismay.
“As a matter of fact, I actually thought someone had just sent us professional photos of a terminally ill person at first glance. But then, one of our interns played a video Preston sent us of him sitting still for 12 hours and it seemed like the perfect fit. What can I say; the kid’s a natural!”
That’s all, yolks!
“After this 4/20, Burger King will become Burger Emperor.”
Big time investment banker Mr. Maxwell Harrington said, “Fortunately, I can afford to purchase electric lights for my large, impressive house. The poor folk of this town are just going to have to make more money so they can ditch those obsolete candles.”
A group of researchers here at Northwestern University has made a huge, and potentially frightening, discovery. Their report claims that there are thousands of invisible spiders crawling all over everyone at all times, and the only way to see them is to take the drug DMT. Foreseeing what they described as “ethical issues” with making civilian subjects take the drug, the researchers elected to perform the test on themselves. The scientists split into two groups, one being the control group
In what city officials are calling an “unfortunate mixup” and “a major oopsie,” dozens of wild boars were released into the local town Gilligan, IL for the celebration of Arbor Day.