Suite Mate Shocked Nobody Appreciates Her Accordion
Despite hours of intensely practicing George Michael’s hit singles, she reported being told to “shut the fuck up,” and to “douse that piece of shit in oil and light it up.”
Category Archives: Articles
Hillary: I’m Reaching Out to Everyone, But Especially You. Yes, You.
Despite the sea of people that also received her plea, you should feel honored. Be gratified.
Professor Gives Pop Quiz During Midterm
Since Monday evening, 30% of Wilson’s Gen Chem students have dropped chem, declaring majors in the humanities.
Jill Stein: I Can Say Racist Stuff Too
“I can say racist stuff too. If the American people want me to drop a couple slurs here and there, I’ll gladly do it for the good of America.”
Breaking: NAFTA
As repeatedly cited by Donald Trump during tonight’s debate, NAFTA exists. Soon, it might not.
Ken Bone Recalls Glory Days
“It was a great run,” said Bone. “I’m so grateful the American people treated me so well all that time. There were some great moments.”
Paul Ryan Dutifully Picks Up Trump’s Dry Cleaning
“He seemed a little embarrassed about holding the bag.”
Area Parents Can’t Believe Son into Both Musicals and Women
“It was as if I had told them I wanted to have an abortion or transfer to McCormick—surprise, then a quick shared glance, then guilt, then forced smiles and a hug.”
Op-Ed: Northwestern Needs to Eliminate the Daily
“I get a lot more of my news from uncomfortable urinal conversations when I decide to pee adjacent to another dude in an empty restroom than I do from the Daily.”
Area Vaper Having Hard Time Sourcing Locally
“I’m a college student paying over $60,000 for tuition, and $15 dollars per thing of e-juice. There should be cheaper options in the area.”