Op-Ed: I Miss the DM Recruiter Who Would Whisper To Me In My Sleep
I would do anything for you, Ricardo â except dance for 30 hours.
Category Archives: Articles
One Book One Northwestern Budget Reduced to One Dollar One Cent
Consternation and significant pushback from angry students on campus calling for a reversal was⊠actually nowhere to be seen.
Dorm Room Party Just Six Guys Playing A âBop-Itâ
âI think I misunderstood when he told me it was âgonna be a bop,ââ said Mendoza, âthey were all really into it too. When I tried to leave, one guy put his hand on my chest and told me âdonât stop the bop.â”
Whole Foods Announces New Margarine Substitute: âI Canât Believe Itâs Not âI Canât Believe Itâs Not Butterââ
âFirst margarine and now this? I didnât serve two years in the military, get dishonorably discharged, and move back in with my parents just for someone to confuse me with a quadruple negative!â
Op Ed: If Improv is About Saying âYesâ Then Why Did Every Group Say âNoâ to Me?
As any new Northwestern student who googles âwhat is improvâ five minutes before their audition knows, the only rule to the Chicago-founded comedic art form is saying âyes.â But if thatâs the case, then why did every improv group on campus say ânoâ to me? Iâm talking Titanic, Mee-Ow, ODB, The Bix, even the Panini Players. They all said âno.” I didnât even get a single callback. I say theyâre a bunch of hypocrites. If they were really committed to the
A Look Back: 15 Years Later, Poop Still Funny
“Fifteen years later, Dr. Parks has officially earned his doctorate in scatology, or in laymanâs terms, the study of poop.”
8th Generation Northwestern Legacy Student Just Spits on Application to Get In
With early decision deadlines looming, Jacob Weinberg Schapiro Ryan Fieldhouse McWilliecat VII, an 8th generation legacy, simply spat on his Northwestern University application, causing him to be accepted immediately. Admissions officers were amazed, calling McWilliecatâs application âoriginalâ, âhighly personalâ, and âphlegmyâ. âYou really canât get more unique than Jacobâs application,â said Leah Gascoigne, head of admissions. âHere we were, holding a physical part of Jacob. We really got a good idea of who he was, and immediately admitted him; even
From the Archives–Op-Ed: Charlie Chaplin should Stick to Silent Movies, Keep his Political Views out of Talkies
This film is his first âtalkieâ and boy does he talkie a lot.
Scandal Breaks as The Rock Is Discovered To Be A Legacy Student
âThat chunk of sandstone had some powerful friends. Thereâs no harm in me meeting with an applicant personally, sharing intimate secrets, exchanging phone numbers, and making secret handshakes. It gives the student no advantages whatsoever.â
Op-Ed: I’m Finally A ComEd Customer and Now They’re Gone
In all honesty, I donât know what ComEd is. I think itâs something to do with carpentry.