No-Nut Government Shutdown Becoming More Impossible By the Day
“I thought it would just be a two week affair, but we’re on the verge of a full month now. If this goes longer than 30 days, I don’t know how I’m gonna hold up.”
Category Archives: Articles
Op-Ed: Netflix Could Shoot Someone on Fifth Avenue and I’d Still Pay for Their Service
Look—I’m not usually in favor of violence. However, I’ve been appalled by media attacks on Netflix over their new pricing plan. I have a simple message for my fellow Netflix customers who are considering defecting: if Netflix CEO Reed Hastings were to shoot someone in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue, I would have no qualms about continuing my subscription. The reason is simple: consider the alternatives. I’m not saying Netflix is perfect, but it’s sure better than Hulu. Is it
Sorority Freshman Excited to Learn New Best Friend’s Last Name
“Before I just knew her as ‘Jessica-with-blonde-highlights-from-that-house-with-pink-curtains,’ not to be confused with ‘Jessica-with-blonde-highlights-from-the-house-kinda-near-Willard.’”
Something Happens in United Kingdom; No One Understands It
The liberal party had reason to be chuffed with the big argy-bargy over the EU turning into a big bowl of codswallop with May’s failure to pass a Brexit divvy plan 432-202.
Northwestern Revealed To Be Located On A Tear In The Space-Time Continuum Where Sex Doesn’t Exist
The global scientific community is on indefinite hiatus after the miraculous discovery that Northwestern University is located on an unprecedented tear in the space-time continuum where sexual intercourse is a non-extant phenomenon. Said top quantum physicist Harold Campbell of the (admittedly not-so-shocking) discovery, “We’re quite surprised that such a tear in the fabric of reality is scientifically feasible. No one, however, is surprised that the one known location in the universe to subvert years of astronomical understanding of time, space,
Student Has Seizure After Drinking Reckless Mixture of Powerade and Sprite (“Blue Lightning”) at Dining Hall
A Northwestern student has been admitted to Evanston hospital after drinking a mixture of blue Powerade and Sprite in Sargent dining hall. Weinberg student Kyle Denton was eating lunch with his friends when they pressured him into drinking a cup of Blue Lightning, which is the street name for the dangerous concoction. Witness reports claim that he took a sip of the mixture (two-thirds Powerade and one-third Sprite) and almost immediately collapsed on the floor. Dining hall workers called an
Local Dickhead Masturbates Over Colorful and Crowded Google Calendar
Norbucks was awash with shock and disgust this week as local dickhead, Derek Havey, touched himself to the image of his overly-colorful and very crowded Google Calendar.
Area Student Beginning Winter Hobby of Watching Rich Students Call Ubers Everywhere
“I give them bonus points if I can see both where the Uber picks them up and drops them off from one spot.”
Local Student Tries to Buy Juul, Accidentally Summons Zuul
“Look, how can you expect me to know the difference between a Juul and a Zuul? I’m a legacy, I never learned to spell.”
Thanos Defeated After His Homophobic Tweets Resurface
“Relationships should be perfectly balanced between a man and a woman. Anything else defies the natural order of things,” read one tweet. Another read “Seeing homosexuals struggle in society does put a smile on my face”.