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Pete Davidson Really Missing Life of Two Weeks Ago, When He Could Shop at Sears

October 24, 2018 Flippy Leave a comment

Last week was tough for SNL cast member Pete Davidson, who reportedly enjoyed a “blissful and carefree” summer. On October 15th, Sears filed for bankruptcy, bringing Davidson’s happiness to a halt. Pete was one of Sears’ biggest fans and most loyal shoppers, even tattooing the Sears logo on his body. Now that Sears is no longer financially solvent, Pete has gone through the painful process of covering up tattoos that were once so meaningful to him. “I’ve been covering a

DNA Test: Warren About as Diverse as Northwestern Student Body

October 24, 2018 Caleb Young Leave a comment

A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern. Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. “I think it’s important to have politicians who make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,” said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues. “We need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus:

Floormate Thinks Socks on Doorknobs Are Gifts, His Collection is Growing Quite Large

October 24, 2018 Richard Godsel Leave a comment

Twenty students have already come to the floor RA with complaints that they witnessed Daniel once again pulling the socks off the handles and tucking them gently under his belt to later be thrown into a pile in his room.

Read more Featured, Local, No. 257

Frat Attracts Early Morning Tailgaters with Continental Breakfast

October 24, 2018 Lindsey Steeg Leave a comment

“I felt like I was dining in a Holiday Inn Express and not freezing in a muddy backyard covered with tarps and half-empty beer cans.”

Sears Rebrands Itself As “Willis,” Still Bankrupt

October 24, 2018 Flippy Leave a comment

“We thought, ‘No, let’s keep everything completely identical. Just change the name. That’ll get the people going.’”

Read more Featured, Local, No. 257

To Fully Experience Life of Northwestern Student, Parents to Get Rejected by Improv Troupe

October 23, 2018 Billy OHandley Leave a comment

“Rejection from an improv troupe is part of the classic Northwestern experience; it’s really what people come to this school for,” said Mark Browning, father of Jim Browning

Haunted Lakefill Hammock Swallows Another Victim

October 23, 2018 Peach Sahasakul Leave a comment

McCormick sophomore Laura Russo has been reported missing since last Thursday. She was last seen at 5:30 PM on the lakefill, napping peacefully in a perfectly innocuous woven hammock.

Read more Featured, Local, No. 257

Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test Revealing She Is 1/64 Golden State Killer

October 22, 2018 Zach Bright Leave a comment

An aide to the Warren campaign said, “We’d like to make it perfectly clear: Elizabeth Warren is NOT a killer. The only thing killer about her is her killer ‘bod.”

Anime Club Director “Making Dad Proud”

October 21, 2018 Andre Baronov Leave a comment

Anime Club Director Edward Elric (SESP ’19) has announced he is “still making dad proud” after another tense seven minute phone call last Sunday.

Read more Featured, Local, No. 257

Trump Apologizes for Mistreatment of Elizabeth Warren, Admits He Was Wrong

October 21, 2018 Soren Campbell Leave a comment

Trump’s speech has been widely regarded as a shining example of political decency and civility. Many are also applauding his masterful turn of phrase and elegant use of language in his speech.

Read more No. 257, Politics, Uncategorized

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