J.B. Pritzker Caught Using Campaign Funds for Jowl Reduction Surgery
“It was all done to help the campaign. Seriously, why don’t you try giving a speech with two plastic bags hanging off the sides of your face?”
Category Archives: Articles
Frontera Fresco In Norris Now Open Just 15 Minutes A Week
Beginning this quarter, the Frontera Fresco Mexican grill located in the Norris Center will now be open just fifteen minutes a week, from 4:30 A.M. to 4:45 A.M.
Student Lands Dream Job, Too Bad It Wasn’t You
Celebrating the end of a successful college career full of lifelong friendships and treasured experiences that will never be forgotten, a lucky student has had their hard work rewarded by landing the one job that combines both their passion and career goals. Unfortunately, it was not you.
Student Beaten to Death in Main Library After Opening Fifth Bag of Fritos
“The poor sucker should have recognized that by the fifth bag, people weren’t going to deal with it anymore.”
NU Hires Sister Jean Away from Loyola with Promise of Celibate Campus
Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jean’s contract, “Northwestern Sex Week” will be officially renamed “Northwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”
NU Sex Week Shrinkage Attributed To The Cold
“It’s not usually like this. It just seems smaller because the cold forced us to cancel some events, I swear.”
Harry Potter Gets “Jill from Accounting” in Buzzfeed Quiz
The fictional, magically-adept children were blown away by Paxton’s ability to balance picking up her kids from hockey practice, and working overtime to pay for their private schooling.
Audience at A Cappella Concert Just Other A Cappella Groups Waiting to Go Next
It became more and more apparent that everyone there was only there to sing, between quietly clapping at each other’s numerous renditions of “Shake It Off.”
Student Who’s Watched 243 Hours of Netflix This Quarter Pissed about 30-Hour DM Commitment
“I mean, I feel like I could do DM in one afternoon and get the same out of it,” continued the same person who watched every season of American Dad at least three times.
In Historic Move, Professor Closes Ad at Bottom of Youtube Video
It is still unclear whether Leggins actually meant to close the ad, or if he just accidentally clicked on the “x” when he was trying to enter full-screen mode. Nonetheless, his students were amazed.