Bin Laden Dead at 54; Just One Week from Retirement
“’What’s the worst that could happen? One week from now I’ll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?’
Category Archives: World
A Somali Man to America: “Cheer Up!”
This article was written by Aden Daar, a Somali villager. I was rummaging through the town landfill this morning, looking for some food for today’s meal, when I came across a copy of last week’s New York Times. I saw an article describing how Americans were sad. It said something about rising gas prices, unemployment, a government in disagreement, etc etc etc etc etc. Let me tell you something, America. CHEER UP! Who am I, you might ask, to order
Point-Counterpoint: The Royal Wedding
Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family? By Andrew Schneider Seems I can’t take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I can’t even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason
Exclusive Look at Japan: The Movie
Who better to formulate characters, plot and emotional tension than beloved renaissance filmmaker Michael Bay?
US to arm Libyans with Super Soakers
“Not only can we have our revenge against the tyrannic rule. Also, my son Khaled can now have the best backyard barbecue birthday party ever.”
Sex strike on Politicians in Belgium. Senators turn to mistresses.
BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached.  At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.
Journalists Admit to Instigating Revolts in the Middle East “We were in it for the money”
It has been a tough decade for journalists. Many have had to take up second jobs as teachers or bloggers to make a living. In 2010, however, the Journalist Organization for Better Standing (JOBS), decided to do something about it. “We held a think tank meeting at a Starbucks,” said JOBS president Joseph Medill. “It was there that Rudy [Murdoch] came up with what has been a game-changing decision for us: overthrow the Tunisian government and send the whole world
Northwestern Trades Morty to Egypt for Mubarak and 2nd Round Pick
Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well. Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last
NU Qatar Students Outraged Over Enforcement of Harem Law
DOHA, QATAR – Students at Northwestern University in Qatar have been up in arms over the city’s claims that they will be stepping up enforcement of the infamous harem law. The harem law, which been on the books since the days of the sultans, prohibits a man from living with more than three wives in any building not specifically zoned to be a harem. Enforcement of the law has been lax, but due to a huge population boom in Doha,
Texting While Jihad-ing: It Can Wait
TRIBAL PAKISTAN – Authorities recently revealed that a would-be Russian suicide bomber’s vest detonated prematurely in the outskirts of Moscow. The terrorist, who was scheduled to attack Red Square, was killed in her safe house after receiving an automated “Happy New Year” text from her wireless provider. In the following days, Al-Qaeda has launched a new PSA aimed at keeping their bombers’ phones where they belong: strapped to cases of PETN and ball-bearings. The new campaign, spearheaded by New York