Fireball and Antifreeze: Everything I Need To Survive the Winter in One Bottle
Remember to recycle your plastic handles because it’s #greencup
Tag Archives: Winter
A Modest Proposal (for the Heating of the Evanston Area)
Guest columnist Jonathan Swift proposes a simple and effective solution to Chicago winters: student bonfires.
Local Girl Wears Balaclava, Looks Surprisingly Spectacular
A well-informed fashionista with her own fashion tumblr, she was aware of the stigma surrounding the garment. However, for once in her damn life, she decided her safety was more important than fashion.
Thousands Still Late to Class after Cold Catches Evanston Completely Prepared
Local authorities have been unable to calculate just how many people have missed the first few minutes of class where the professor tries to get students’ attention without being rude but estimates are running in the tens-of-thousands.
Hinman Power Outage Results in Social Media Isolation, Deaths
January 5 escalated into full-scale madness in 1835 Hinman. The Hinman Hunger Games, as residents are calling it, have claimed sixteen lives so far and the death toll is only rising.
Area Snowman Braces for Finals
The stress of impending finals is taking a hard toll on McFrostkins. “I haven’t had time to laugh and play in weeks,” he said. “And I keep hearing this strange beating noise in my head—thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump—it’s driving me mad.”
University Shuttles to Run Only When You’re Not There
EVANSTON — Students such as yourself have recently noticed that during winter months, campus shuttles will make their stops only when you’re not waiting at one of them. University officials have confirmed this phenomenon. “Part of this new policy comes from the extra snow we’ve been getting. It makes for slower routes and delayed stop times,” said Jack Colhoff, a University Services representative. “But it’s mostly to build character.” Colhoff said you’ll thank him later, because walking in single-digit weather
Norris Officials Urge NHL to Further Delay Season for “Ice Maintenance”
EVANSTON — After opening the lockout-shortened NHL season with the first set of games on Saturday, officials from the Norris University Center have sent an urgent plea to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to cancel more games, citing the need for “ice maintenance.” Norris issued a press release that stated, “Our ice-readiness experts have spent years studying the advanced science of what is frozen water and what is not. It is their belief from viewing the NHL’s Saturday games that these
Area Jews Celebrating Christmas Shocked Holiday is about Jesus
Many Jews are utterly confused on how to celebrate the holiday. Instead of the traditional honey-glazed ham dinner and nice family time around a warm fire, Jewish families have been sighted going out for Chinese food and airing their grievances.
Where Are They Now?: The Fucksaw
This report continues our series “Where Are They Now?” This week’s installment was written by Northwestern’s infamous Fucksaw. By The Fucksaw Hey, it’s nice to see you all again. I’ve been pretty busy. In and out, you know. As I always say, when life gives you lemons, penetrate them. I’ll be frank with you. I wasn’t that happy with how they treated me in the media, being new to Northwestern and all. It was like all these parents spending $200,000