Detective Pikachu Movie Canceled After Pikachu’s Interrogation Tactics Found to Violate Geneva Conventions
“Mr. Pikachu is quite open about using his electrical powers on even innocent Squirtles. He’s a maniac.”
Monthly Archives: November 2018
Count von Count Tabbed to Handle Election Recount Process
Sadly, Mr. Von Count was not able to meet with election board officials before the races were officially called.
Hillary 4: Apocalypse Unleashed Slated For Fall 2020 Release
The series has been around for so long that critics aren’t sure what new material Hillary 4: Apocalypse Unleashed can offer.
Study: One Third of Friend Groups Held Together by Mutual Fear of Meeting New People
Vestie and the rest of the faculty are currently working on a whole-brain engineered solution to the fact that a large portion of Northwestern students are not capable of healthy social interaction.
Due to Budget Cuts, Dog Therapy Has Been Replaced By A Ferret Named Keith
“We know this season is hard for everyone,” a Monday email from Northwestern Libraries said, “but we are certain that what Keith lacks in size, he makes up for in heart.”
Freshman Grabs Ambitious Amount of Condoms
“I’m gonna be burnin’ rubber like the Indy 500. This should last me through the end of the quarter.”
Smokey The Bear Can’t Believe This Was The Week He Went On Vacation
“I just wanted one week. ONE GODDAMN WEEK OF MAGIC IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.”
Marvel Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Stan Lee Not Dead, Will Return in Next Avengers Movie
“This is classic Marvel: characters fake their deaths all the time. It’s just like in the first Thor when Loki seemed to die in a black hole but then returned to Asgard in the next movie.”
The House Isn’t the Only Thing Turning Blue, Claims Frat Boy Participating in No Nut November
“My grandfather in a bikini won’t cut it anymore,” claimed Anderson, “for the Senate or for stopping my arousal.”
Morty Tries To Cut SESP Budget, Surprised To Find It Doesn’t Exist
The School of Education and Social Policy, or SESP, is the latest Northwestern institution to fall victim to the recent wave of attempted budget cuts. However, President Morty Schapiro was shocked to find out that SESP does not have a budget in the first place. In an official statement, Morty expressed his disappointment in light of this startling turn of events. “Not gonna lie, I’m pretty bummed. I was hoping to cop at least a few thousand,” he admitted. “I