Local Wellness Guru Uses Morning Sun Salutations as Dedicated Time to Plot Revenge
“Breathe in for 4… hold for 7… and as you’re holding, picture your greatest enemy”
Author Archives: Zoe Kulick
BREAKING: Scientists Confirm Nicotine Addictions Actually Do Count Regardless of Whether or Not You’ve Just Come Back From Study Abroad
“Like hello, the first person to offer me a cigarette was wearing Chanel and Dior head to toe. Of course I trusted her.”
Op-ed: The Growing Collection of Mold in My Water Bottle Has Gained Consciousness and Claimed Me as Their Leader
Like Horton, no one seems to believe that the collection of mold in my water bottle has gained consciousness and claimed me as their leader.
Breaking: Leaked Pictures Reveal New “Ryan Field” To Be Hunger Games Style Arena Where One Lucky Student On The Waitlist Will “Earn Their Spot”
In response to Northwestern’s historically low acceptance rate this year, the administration has taken drastic measures regarding how they will hand out the coveted, and now very minimal, class of 2026 spots to those on the waitlist.
In Fit Of Extreme Baby Fever, Sophomore Girl Rips Out IUD In Middle Of Dorm Bathroom
Sadly, there were no willing men and, more importantly, no willing sperm.
Heartwarming: Northwestern Basketball Rekindles Relationships Between Hundreds of Estranged Fathers and Daughters
“In high school, I was lucky if my dad could remember my best friend’s name or what grade I was in. Now, we talk for hours on the phone about our favorite players on the team and he knows absolutely everything about them. It’s crazy!”Â
Bribery, Groveling, and 3 Other Ways to Get Off the Waitlist for That Class You Need to Graduate
The odds that your professor has done something problematic that has ended up online are incredibly high. All you need to do is find the evidence.Â
NU Football Coach Forces Players to Attend Basketball Game to “See What Being Cheered for Looks Like”
According to Northwestern’s football coach, this torture was deliberate. During the off-season, he has turned to emotional tactics to try and get the Northwestern football team out of their slump.
Op-Ed: Sometimes I Think About Chernobyl And I Just Freak Out
But seriously, even just writing about it, I am completely freaking out right now.
Unintelligible Numbers In Water Bottle Filler Screen Actually Ancient Hieroglyphics Leading to the Holy Grail
“Who cares about the environment?!” he shouted from his hospital bed. “I’m trying to save all of humanity!”