New Study Reveals That You Arenât Good Enough to Go Here
A new study published in the Daily Northwestern has revealed that you are neither academically nor socially good enough to go here.
Category Archives: Featured
Freshman Trekkie Keeps Saying Heâs Rushing Sci-Fi
After making his rounds through the various Sunday dinners hosted by Northwestern fraternities, Star Trek fanatic Kirk Spockard has allegedly found his future brotherhood with âSci-Fiâ.
NU Sports Rewards App Has Students Walking Past Soccer Field at Record High
As the app gains popularity, officials hope students will be inspired by their personalized jerseys and may one day wear them as they sit through an entire game.
Frat House Starting to Feel Like Frat Home
“As time went on, the constant drunkenness and mild-homoeroticism really made me feel comfortable.â
Student Uncertain About Halloweekend Dates Drinks for Two Weeks Straightâš
Costumes reportedly included timeless classics such as a slutty devil, slutty cat, and slutty alien, but also included throwback outfits like slutty â80s workout instructor and topical statements such as a slutty absentee ballot.
Op-ed: Stop Looking at the Climate While itâs Changing, You Perverts!
Hereâs the bottom line: if the climate is changing, you look away! Stop measuring the weather and making your graphs, and shut your eyes, for Christâs sake!
Raising Prices 3.6% Only Business Strategy Taught in Kellogg
âI think the 3.6% strategy really synergizes the business ownerâs desire to make money and impoverish millennials.â
MTV to Feature Lincoln Dorm on New Episode of âMTV Cribsâ
It was only after receiving an email from Northwestern president Morton Schapiro offering the production company a look into Northwesternâs new five-star rated housing that Diaz knew the new season would be a success.
Area Nudist Dresses Up for Halloween
âUsually I just put a napkin on my pecker to make it look like a ghost, but this year the community is expecting something more,â Scoggs explained to the press.
Morty Still Waiting for Class of 2021 to Venmo Him for Hamilton Tickets
After waiting a year for the Class of 2021 to get back to him, Morty Schapiro publicly announced this week that he is still waiting on each and every one of them to Venmo him for the Hamilton tickets from last year. âListen, I thought I was very clear in how this deal works,â stated a very disgruntled Morty, âI get the tickets, and you guys just Venmo me back the full $200 for your own. Our school is in