Morty Hoping Heāll Get More than Natty Light While Trick or Treating at Frat Houses
āI am hoping by the end of this I will have enough candy to last until Christmas. Maybe theyāll even throw a few Keystones in there too.”
Category Archives: Featured
US News Editor to Morty: āI Made You Top 10, Now Let My Family Goā
āPlease, I have delivered on my part. Let me hold my son, Zachariah āZac-Attackā Zuckerman, again. Let me see my wife, Zora Zelda Zuckerman. I even made you #15 in Best Value Schools, right above the University of Chicago!ā
Pete Davidson Really Missing Life of Two Weeks Ago, When He Could Shop at Sears
Last week was tough for SNL cast member Pete Davidson, who reportedly enjoyed a āblissful and carefreeā summer. On October 15th, Sears filed for bankruptcy, bringing Davidsonās happiness to a halt. Pete was one of Searsā biggest fans and most loyal shoppers, even tattooing the Sears logo on his body. Now that Sears is no longer financially solvent, Pete has gone through the painful process of covering up tattoos that were once so meaningful to him. āIāve been covering a
DNA Test: Warren About as Diverse as Northwestern Student Body
A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern. Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. āI think itās important to have politicians whoĀ make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,ā said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues. āWe need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus:
Floormate Thinks Socks on Doorknobs Are Gifts, His Collection is Growing Quite Large
Twenty students have already come to the floor RA with complaints that they witnessed Daniel once again pulling the socks off the handles and tucking them gently under his belt to later be thrown into a pile in his room.
Sears Rebrands Itself As āWillis,ā Still Bankrupt
āWe thought, āNo, letās keep everything completely identical. Just change the name. Thatāll get the people going.āā
Haunted Lakefill Hammock Swallows Another Victim
McCormick sophomore Laura Russo has been reported missing since last Thursday. She was last seen at 5:30 PM on the lakefill, napping peacefully in a perfectly innocuous woven hammock.
Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test Revealing She Is 1/64 Golden State Killer
An aide to the Warren campaign said, āWeād like to make it perfectly clear: Elizabeth Warren is NOT a killer. The only thing killer about her is her killer ābod.ā
Anime Club Director āMaking Dad Proudā
Anime Club Director Edward Elric (SESP ā19) has announced he is āstill making dad proudā after another tense seven minute phone call last Sunday.
Northwestern Student Already Has Pretty Good Idea When to Schedule Fall Mental Breakdown
āItāll fit perfectly in between these two weeks of straight midterms and the next Friday, when I have 6 papers due.ā