Morty Embroiled in Scandal After Cheating During Game of Guess Who
A rule breach in a game of Guess Who could result in Moriarty Schapiro going on a long time out, or even getting grounded for a few days.
Category Archives: Featured
Mysterious āCreature of the Lakefillā Revealed to be Morty Night-Swimming
āI didnāt want to frighten anyone. I just like playing around with the ducks.”
Dining Hall Now Offers a Slap Across Your Fucking Face With Raw Chicken Breast
The move comes after the new dining service Compass merged with PĆ¼nchindafƤce™, a transnational Swedish corporation that fuses gastronomic arts and sadomasochism.
English Major Contemplates Symbolism of Soaked Frat Basement Walls
āIf these walls could talk, I bet theyād be telling us that itās okay to cry sometimes.”
Atwood Receives Lukewarm Response at Keynote From Campus Dudes; āSheād Be Pretty If She Smiled Moreā
āDonāt get me wrong, she sounds like a great writer and all, but she just seemed so serious. Like, lighten up a little, sweetheart!ā
Razor Scooter Owner Rides After Dark to Avoid Being Recognized
On the outside, he seems just like everyone else. But on the inside he has a massive, two-wheel secret.
Morty Hoping Heāll Get More than Natty Light While Trick or Treating at Frat Houses
āI am hoping by the end of this I will have enough candy to last until Christmas. Maybe theyāll even throw a few Keystones in there too.”
US News Editor to Morty: āI Made You Top 10, Now Let My Family Goā
āPlease, I have delivered on my part. Let me hold my son, Zachariah āZac-Attackā Zuckerman, again. Let me see my wife, Zora Zelda Zuckerman. I even made you #15 in Best Value Schools, right above the University of Chicago!ā
Pete Davidson Really Missing Life of Two Weeks Ago, When He Could Shop at Sears
Last week was tough for SNL cast member Pete Davidson, who reportedly enjoyed a āblissful and carefreeā summer. On October 15th, Sears filed for bankruptcy, bringing Davidsonās happiness to a halt. Pete was one of Searsā biggest fans and most loyal shoppers, even tattooing the Sears logo on his body. Now that Sears is no longer financially solvent, Pete has gone through the painful process of covering up tattoos that were once so meaningful to him. āIāve been covering a
DNA Test: Warren About as Diverse as Northwestern Student Body
A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern. Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. āI think itās important to have politicians whoĀ make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,ā said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues. āWe need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus: