Op-Ed: My Roommate’s Hundreds of Bees Shouldn’t Count as Emotional Support Animals
“He claims the buzzing soothes him, but the constant droning has barred me from sleep since this quarter started.”
Category Archives: Featured
Northwestern Professors Now Selling PowerPoint Ad Space to Close Budget Gap
Schapiro insisted that selling ad space is not mandatory. However, his rule that those who did not comply would have to spend a night as a Bobb RA has made PowerPoint ads quite popular among professors.
Jeff Sessions Recalled to Santa’s Workshop Unexpectedly Early
In a surprise move, the White House announced Wednesday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had resigned to return to his seasonal gig at Santa’s workshop. In a statement read by Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the administration called Session’s departure “regrettable but necessary.” The statement lamented that the Christmas season is starting “earlier and earlier…like, its not even Thanksgiving but CVS is already playing Michael Bublé tracks on repeat.” Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein spoke Thursday about the personal impact
Pat Fitzgerald Advises Struggling Chem Student to Wrap Up, Remember the Fundamentals
Premed student Charlie Nigam, WCAS ’20, was delighted and confused by a surprise phone call from Pat Fitzgerald, in which the head football coach told him the secret to passing his upcoming chemistry midterm was to wrap up and remember the fundamentals.
Prior To Resigning, Jeff Sessions Jails One More Minority For “Old Times’ Sake”
“I knew that I had to go out with one last humdinger.”
Journalist Killing Breaks Long Tradition of Free Speech and Progressivism in Saudi Arabia
The international community has been bewildered, with multiple UN representatives expressing disbelief over the historically peaceful Middle-Eastern nation suddenly cracking down on freedom of the press.
Catholicism to Officially Change Name to “Pritzianity” After Large Donation
“The anonymous donor was unsatisfied with the public response to the name change, and for some reason was demanding that Pope Francis declare Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner to be the Antichrist.”
New Study Reveals That You Aren’t Good Enough to Go Here
A new study published in the Daily Northwestern has revealed that you are neither academically nor socially good enough to go here.
Freshman Trekkie Keeps Saying He’s Rushing Sci-Fi
After making his rounds through the various Sunday dinners hosted by Northwestern fraternities, Star Trek fanatic Kirk Spockard has allegedly found his future brotherhood with “Sci-Fi”.
NU Sports Rewards App Has Students Walking Past Soccer Field at Record High
As the app gains popularity, officials hope students will be inspired by their personalized jerseys and may one day wear them as they sit through an entire game.