Breaking: Red Line Has Declared Independence
“All these people wearing powdered wigs got onto my train car and just started debating and writing on some scroll of paper.”
Category Archives: Local
A&O Blowout Reveals Featured Artist to be a Framed Picture of Jacob Collier
Collier, known for his intricate harmonic arrangements and the ability to bore nearly anyone’s date, will be traveling all the way from the color printer in Norris to Welsh-Ryan Arena to perform at Blowout this year.
Hairball in the Communal Shower to Lead Conference on Diversity, Equity and Inclusion
One committee member spent 69 hours weighing the pros and cons, and literally weighing the hairballs themselves, to determine the leader of the conference.
Student discovers they can just keep riding the L: “I don’t know where the hell I am going”
It’s still unclear to reporters whether this was his first train ride ever.
Ancestral Ojibwe Call for End of Land Acknowledgements: “We Don’t Want Anything to Do With This Football Team.”
After Northwestern’s humiliating loss to Southern Illinois University, the Ojibwe—no longer wanting to associate with such an embarrassment of a football team—pulled out from their weekly game-time land acknowledgment. A land acknowledgement, recognizing the ancestral land upon which a particular activity or sports event takes place, is typically conducted at halftime during Northwestern football games. Vice President and Associate Provost for Diversity and Inclusion and Chief Diversity Officer Dr. Robin Coleman spoke out regarding the confusing omission at Saturday’s game.
Ask Flippy: Where Do I Find Valid Shawties Who Will Also Support My Ambitions In Political Science?
I’m just looking for a valid, down-to-earth betty who can hold my hand, both at Naturdays with the boys and on the campaign trail. Everyone knows you’re a stronger candidate with some hot wife material behind you. Plus, I still haven’t found anyone who’s willing to lay out my clothes the night before like my mom used to do – and also kiss me with tongue the way I hope my mom never does.
EXPOSÉ: Xanthe Brown, Despot and False President
What is this, literally 1984? Fuck you. Fuck off. Fuck.
Responsible Landlord: Fire Hazard Resolved When Apartment Burns to Ground
“Yeah, they told me the heater didn’t work because of some kind of gas leak. In my opinion, the kids we rent to these days are pretty entitled,” Johnston commented, stepping over a flaming support beam. “When I’m cold at home, I just put on a sweater. And when I’m hot, I fan myself with a nice, thick stack of Benjamins.”
Report: Lamb’s Blood on Area Man’s Door “Not a Religious Thing, Just Leftovers from Dinner”
While EPD has concluded that the lamb’s blood mark was “no threat to person or property” in the neighborhood, forensics experts will still “thoroughly investigate the area for signs of lice, flies, locusts, and corpses of firstborn children.”
Study Abroad Office Now Offering Summer Trip to Your Mom’s House
Your mom’s house is proving to be an incredibly popular destination with many Northwestern students.