Op-Ed: How to Drive a Wedge Between Every Campus Couple So They Can All Be as Sad as You
I conducted a completely unbiased poll sent exclusively to other lonely singles, and—sure enough—we have a scourge of couples on campus.
Category Archives: Uncategorized
How to Wear a Tennis Skirt Un-Ironically
“Here are five ways to style one of Summer 2021’s hottest new trends.”
Morty Sends Mass Text: “Pull up 4 vaccine, $5 for dudes, ladies free all night”
“I got a vaccine plug from a buddy of mine in Kappa Delta Moderna, and I was just looking to get lit, get wild, and vaccinate some shawties,”
Jousting Club Endorses J&J Vaccine: “One Jab Shall Do It!”
“Too long hath these Pfizer and Moderna knaves parried with the virus. They flash thine fancy swords and dance around in thine gilded boots, but those swine’s art COWARDS. Sir Johnson shall end it all in a single blow!”
Insider Report: MTV Launches “Shrink Rap,” A New Reality Show Following Kanye West’s Therapist
Good news! This week, MTV launches a reality series following Kanye West’s therapist, giving fans a sigh of relief after despair following the Kimye divorce announcement. The show, aptly named “Shrink Rap” follows West’s therapist Dr. Shakur, a man adamant that he is not in fact Tupac in hiding. As a longtime friend of Kanye West, or Kanye as he lets me call him, I was able to interview Dr. Shakur under one condition: Kanye would accompany me. The notes
Quiz: Are You Named Steve?
Steve, baby, you can’t have completely forgotten about the day we had together.
Seventh Grade Social Studies Teacher Who Said “I’ll Wait” in 2012 Reportedly Still Waiting
“It’s not bad at all,” she said. “I haven’t talked to my husband in almost a decade, and I’m growing hair out of holes I didn’t even know I had. So I can’t complain.”
Local Woman Swears Her Zoom Crush “Radiates 6’1” Energy”
“You know, like, how he’s so tall and she’s so short that it looks like he’s going to develop chronic back issues from having to stoop down to kiss her? That’s what I want.”
The Flipside Guide to: staying humble when you single-handedly put your entire hometown back in quarantine
No matter the slack you get from the Moms of Springfield Facebook group, don’t stop partying!
Tim and Moby of BrainPOP Officially Come Out As Gay
The public response appears to be mostly positive. The LGBTQ+ community has been quick to embrace this advancement of relations between machine and man, hailing it as “the Third Industrial Revolution”.