Area Woman Touched by Sincerity of Catcaller
“I can just tell from our first interaction that he’s the kind of man I need to be with. I’ve had my fill of guys who don’t shout demeaning things at random passerby.”
Author Archives: Arnold Johnsen
Sad Little Library Event Draws Two Whole Undergrads
“I hate my major now and my PA group hasn’t responded to my last five messages in the old GroupMe, so I figured attending this event of my own free will was as good a cry for help as any.”
Mancala Club Treasurer Regales Friends with SOFO War Stories
“Ellen has really been around the block, man. I’m still shook over what she had to do to get that brownie mix for our fundraiser reimbursed.”
Pat Fitzgerald Advises Struggling Chem Student to Wrap Up, Remember the Fundamentals
Premed student Charlie Nigam, WCAS ’20, was delighted and confused by a surprise phone call from Pat Fitzgerald, in which the head football coach told him the secret to passing his upcoming chemistry midterm was to wrap up and remember the fundamentals.
Transplanted Square of Landscaping Grass Longs for Soil of Home
“I just don’t feel at home here. I miss Bowling Green. I know college is supposed to be about getting out of your comfort zone, but I wish I could go back to the nice southern topsoil I’m used to.”
Stats Major Argues Gambling Problem Not Statistically Significant
“He just kept saying ‘the p-value is above 5%, we just don’t have enough evidence to reject the null.’”
Exclusive: ASG President-Elect Accepted $13.35 in Bribes During Term as Academics VP
A formal report filed by an anonymous whistleblower to the ASG Election Commission alleges that Jason Guo, Junior Undersecretary to the Vice Admiral of Academics, delivered an Edzo’s double-griddle burger and strawberry milkshake to Patterson and never received reimbursement.
Kellogg Dickwad Explains Labor Market to Homeless Man Outside CVS
“You see, if you draw this line here, and this line here, and then you move the point of intersection…” Rossi said, explaining why the man’s situation was a predictable result of the supply and demand graphs for labor.
Polynomial Equation Factored Down to Teeny-Tiny Quadratic During Math Burlesque
“He ripped off factors, canceled like terms in his numerator and denominator … and let me say, his denominator was not bad at all.”
Despite Best Efforts of BLAST, White People Still Can’t Dance
“We tried, we really did,” said BLAST president Anita Quizphe, WCAS ‘18.