While Jesus was unavailable for comment, as he has been for the past two millennia, Pope Francis released a statement on his behalf.
Author Archives: Billy O'Handley
“I’m pretty sure this is open and shut. If you need me, I’ll be singing along to my homie Jay-Z.”
“Blimey mate! You should’ve seen the look on those copper’s mugs when they budged up to my ID only to see that I’m bloody British. They were positively gobsmacked, I tell you!”
“I got them all, folks,” the actual president said to raucous cheers from his unpaid Secret Service guards.
“Fuck it, I guess my name is Seth now.”
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
Detective Pikachu Movie Canceled After Pikachu’s Interrogation Tactics Found to Violate Geneva Conventions
“Mr. Pikachu is quite open about using his electrical powers on even innocent Squirtles. He’s a maniac.”
Sadly, Mr. Von Count was not able to meet with election board officials before the races were officially called.
At press time, President Trump had already cancelled the executive order after realizing that it would have banned slander, lying, showing partiality to the rich, and of course, letting your hair become unkempt.
“The anonymous donor was unsatisfied with the public response to the name change, and for some reason was demanding that Pope Francis declare Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner to be the Antichrist.”