Jesus Cancels Another Reunion Tour
While Jesus was unavailable for comment, as he has been for the past two millennia, Pope Francis released a statement on his behalf.
Author Archives: Billy O'Handley
Green Book Writers: “Can We Say It Now? Please?”
“I’m pretty sure this is open and shut. If you need me, I’ll be singing along to my homie Jay-Z.”
21 Savage Shotguns Entire Earl Grey Tea
“Blimey mate! You should’ve seen the look on those copper’s mugs when they budged up to my ID only to see that I’m bloody British. They were positively gobsmacked, I tell you!”
Trump Now Has Complete Set of Happy Meal Toys
“I got them all, folks,” the actual president said to raucous cheers from his unpaid Secret Service guards.
Broken Man Decides He’s Named Seth Now
“Fuck it, I guess my name is Seth now.”
New Hazing Ritual to Involve Attending A Cappella Concert
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
Detective Pikachu Movie Canceled After Pikachu’s Interrogation Tactics Found to Violate Geneva Conventions
“Mr. Pikachu is quite open about using his electrical powers on even innocent Squirtles. He’s a maniac.”
Count von Count Tabbed to Handle Election Recount Process
Sadly, Mr. Von Count was not able to meet with election board officials before the races were officially called.
New Executive Order Is Just Book of Leviticus
At press time, President Trump had already cancelled the executive order after realizing that it would have banned slander, lying, showing partiality to the rich, and of course, letting your hair become unkempt.
Catholicism to Officially Change Name to “Pritzianity” After Large Donation
“The anonymous donor was unsatisfied with the public response to the name change, and for some reason was demanding that Pope Francis declare Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner to be the Antichrist.”