Tragic! Sophomore Forgets Classes Are in Person, Whips Out Dick in Discussion.
We were going over Come Slowly – Eden by Dickinson, when suddenly Richard pulled it out and came fast
Ask Flippy: Why the Fuck Do the NAVICA People Ask if I’ve Taken the Test Before and Then Recite the Directions to Me Again? We Both Know That I Know Asshole
The other day, I went to get my second semiweekly rapid test, expecting the interaction to be the same as usual: walk in, show my silly little apps to the workers, and engage in the voyeuristic practice of having a mid-twenties man make fierce eye contact while I twirl a silly little q-tip in my nose. But all of a sudden, it’s gotten so much worse!
Disturbing New Study Shows Placing Head Inside Running Microwave Oven May Be Linked to Cancer
Putting one’s head inside a running microwave could allegedly, maybe, possibly cause cancer.
“Sussy” And 50 Other Words I’d Rather Die Than Hear Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks Say
“Uwu”
Close Call! North Campus Resident Narrowly Escapes Willard Party Before Hearing a Single Showtune
Chase’s “bro” and unofficial domestic partner Frad added, “And the only ‘hol they even had was Manischewitz. If I wanted to get slightly tipsy and puke up grape juice I woulda just gone to my sister’s bat Mitzvah this weekend like I was supposed to.”
“Actually, War Crimes Require a Formal Declaration of War. What We do Are Just Run-of-the-Mill Human Rights Violations” Says Department of Defense
“Semantically speaking, war crimes requires a war, and we have not formally declared war since the 1940s.”
Wildcat Geogame Under Fire from UN After Claiming Saxony “Part of Greater Poland”
The geogame clarified, “Bolesław I the Brave, Duke of Poland, claimed Saxony for Greater Poland in 1002.”
How to Wear a Tennis Skirt Un-Ironically
“Here are five ways to style one of Summer 2021’s hottest new trends.”
Joe Biden Dazzles White House Press Corps by Driving New Electric Truck Over Journalist at Top Speed
After a lightning-fast lap around the facility, Biden continued speeding directly towards the group of journalists unobserved, aided by the silence of the new state-of-the-art electric engine. However, they were soon made aware of his presence as he ran over the journalist who had earlier asked him for comment at top speed.
From the Archives: Due to Spanish Flu, Dillo Day Will Once Again be Held Over the Radio Instead of In-Person
This is Hubert Parsley (class of ’20), speaking to you live on-air from the newly-repurposed Telegraph Room in Deering, Northwestern’s only library.