Local Student Rests After Long Day of Mansplaining in the Class of 24 GroupMe
“I was a double legacy, so I would definitely say that I know more about Northwestern and being on campus than my peers.”
Jousting Club Endorses J&J Vaccine: “One Jab Shall Do It!”
“Too long hath these Pfizer and Moderna knaves parried with the virus. They flash thine fancy swords and dance around in thine gilded boots, but those swine’s art COWARDS. Sir Johnson shall end it all in a single blow!”
Couple with COVID Probably Having Hot Quarantine Sex in Plex, You’re Having Dining Hall Chickpeas On a Friday Night
Speaking of safety, these active couples aren’t putting it first. But are we really surprised that they’re avoiding protection when they already have a hard time keeping their masks above their noses? Let’s cut them some slack. After all, it’s just not the same with a mask on.
Ask Flippy: Do You Want to See Me Insert This Swab Only an Inch Into my Nostril and Swirl 15 Times? Would You Like That?
“Picture this fever-inducing, body-aching, taste-and-smell-removing scenario in your head, and let me know what you think.”
Insider Report: MTV Launches “Shrink Rap,” A New Reality Show Following Kanye West’s Therapist
Good news! This week, MTV launches a reality series following Kanye West’s therapist, giving fans a sigh of relief after despair following the Kimye divorce announcement. The show, aptly named “Shrink Rap” follows West’s therapist Dr. Shakur, a man adamant that he is not in fact Tupac in hiding. As a longtime friend of Kanye West, or Kanye as he lets me call him, I was able to interview Dr. Shakur under one condition: Kanye would accompany me. The notes
Impending Disaster: Professor Hasn’t Noticed YouTube Set to Autoplay Next Recommended Video
Some have attempted to contact the professor through the Zoom chat in the vain hopes he knows what that is or how to check it—but, unfortunately for the students, the odds of this happening are slim to none.
In Response to Gender-Neutral Potato Head Rebrand, Fisher-Price to Release New “Man Carrot” Toy Complete with Large, Throbbing, Plastic Penis
Man Carrot comes equipped with several accessories, such as a gun, a bottle of Viagra, and a cigar. Most notable about this toy is the large, anatomically-correct penis attached to the six-inch tall figure, a detail that has not gone unnoticed by Fisher-Price’s critics.
Responding to Sadness that $5 Tuesday is Over, Morty Launches Invest $5 in Fossil Fuels Friday
“We are always looking for more ways to engage the student body in capitalist brainwashing.”
Spring 2021 Course Catalog Released, Total of One In-Person Class: Interactive Epidemiology 101
“It’s the art of movement, really,” said Professor Nana Splitt of the dance department, who will be co-teaching Interactive Epidemiology 101 with the biology department. “The dance of the virus from one to another. By mirroring the dance of the virus, our students will make peace with their own idiocy.”
New Study Reveals 90% of Men Have Biological Need to “Just Add Onto That Point”
The study, conducted amongst top-ten ranking schools in collaboration with the Collective of United Mansplainers (CUM), revealed interesting neurological and physiological responses triggered in the male brain.