Hong Kongers Acclimating To Democratic Changes, Reportedly “Can’t Complain” About Chinese Rule
“I suppose I can’t say anything’s wrong…no, I literally can’t say anything’s wrong.”
New Study Finds Cocaine Excellent Replacement For Eating, Sleeping, Blinking, etc.
Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. “After we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it down” said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. “Our intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of
Following Lead of “Avoiding Gluten” Station, Allison’s Kosher Station Rebrands to “Avoiding Sin”
President Morton Shapiro, after consulting the University Board, released in a tweet that by 2020, Northwestern will be officially renamed “Avoiding UChicago.”
Searle Doctor Declares Dead Body “Fine” after Strep Test Comes Back Negative
“Her body may be slowly eroding, but that’s a-okay, because she definitely doesn’t have Strep!” said Dr. Lou.
Area White Man from the South Side– of Wilmette
Gilberts is just like any other Northwestern student–a young man with a dream; a dream of maybe getting a right swipe from Becca in Econ 201.
From the Archives: Op-Ed: William, ye Olde Wilde Cat, Thou Hast Awakened my Heart
From the moment mine eyes met thine, William, ye olde Wilde Cat, I was eternally enthralled. From then until the end of time, I was, am, and shall be thine.
Op-Ed: I Miss the DM Recruiter Who Would Whisper To Me In My Sleep
I would do anything for you, Ricardo – except dance for 30 hours.
One Book One Northwestern Budget Reduced to One Dollar One Cent
Consternation and significant pushback from angry students on campus calling for a reversal was… actually nowhere to be seen.
New Drug Surfaces on Campus: “White Male Discussion Section Confidence”
“White Male Discussion Section Confidence,” better known on the street as “the devil’s advocate,” surfaced on Northwestern’s campus right around midterm season and has spread like wildfire.
NU Student Dresses Up As Politician Dressed Up In Blackface
“Hunter’s political commentary on Justin Trudeau circa 2001 may have offended some of our peers,” stated Smith’s roommate Brock Brunson, “but how is he supposed to be held accountable for his actions AND have a wild Halloweekend?!”